where were we

It is common when we are in the 30's, we would glimpse back at what we been doing all this while. With 30 cuts to half, gets 15, it brings us back to our teen days. And when I say teen days, obviously it's the 1990's.

That decade is so complicated, and yet so simple. It is a time where we are taking the leap of faith by embracing the future, but the past still hanging around with us. The transition, which is the most obvious example, take us from using telephone as voice communication tool, to a tool that we can get anything from the world wide web.

Do i miss the 1990's? I do miss its simplicity. I miss the feeling that however the big world is, we can still feel small and appreciate everything around us. Nowadays, everything went so fast and everyone thinks that they know everything.

I miss the playground. Not only I like to be there when I was a kid, I also like to hang around there during my 'young adult' time. A lot of talks happen when i'm at the playground and a lot of smoke also. But time will never be enough because the sunset will catches you.

Sometimes, I do wonder what the future would be if I am much more wiser or cooler or steadfast when I'm young. However, growing up also mean learning from mistakes. And I have done a lot of mistake. Do I feel regret, sometimes, but life goes, and the chapter still continues.

I don't have answer for every question. It does bugs me but do we need all the answers right away. Can't we just venture life and enjoy every new thing, bit by bit. Going back to memory lane is like looking back from where you have come from. The past won't change, but the future, you'll never know what any surprise will bring.

 

grown accustomed

I think, it has been more than 10 years, i kept on hearing 'ada Kad Mesra tak'. However, for all that time, i never really into getting a Petronas Mesra Card. Isn't it logically incorrect, to become a loyal customer but not pursue all the benefit that comes with it.

And by the way, why kept asking if I got Kad Mesra or not, am i not good enough? Is it after I had Kad Mesra, than I will be considered in equal status. Why can't you just take the money and say thank you, why must you ask for more, am i not a good customer?

Yes, i know all this is a market strategy to encourage brand loyalty, but after hearing 'ada Kad Mesra tak' for all this time, i'm now questioning myself, why did I go the Petronas it first place, why can't it be Shell, Projet, BHP, Caltex, Esso, or any other gas station in the world.

My guess is, and this is something very individual, i'm accustomed to Petronas. And the same with Petronas, I'm always accustomed to all other things like drinking coffie, take ciggie in stress, waking up late, watching animation and others no-reason habits and blind brand loyalty, you might said.

And so, I'm getting older as times comes by, but i'm still been shaped like the days i'm young. I might been wiser for the reason that i have not known before, but surely, there are things that will remain the same, and the memories that keep me here,  accustomed to it.

di sini hari ini

di sini hari ini,
engkau menjadi saksi,
sama seperti semalam,
sama seperti kelmarin,
sama ketika bermula tarikh 29 Mei 1939,
engkau menjadi saksi kepada bangsaku..
yang dijajah,
yang tertidur,
yang bangkit,
yang menginsafi...

Suratkhabar ini mesti terbit!
jerit satu suara,
Biar kota ini tenggelam kerana banjir,
Walau kota ini terkepung dengan darah-darah mengalir,
Suratkhabar ini mesti terbit!

Agar bangsaku mengerti,
perjuangan ini tidak pernah padam.
Majulah bangsaku yang merdeka,
Jadilah dirimu bijaksana,
Ambillah segala pengorbananku,
kerana...
Suratkhabar ini mesti terbit!

someone

When i start working at JB, it was really fun at the first year. Everything is new and exciting. But when you enter the second year, you begin too see everything is almost repetitive. The event is still the same, the script is copied but what change maybe the person involved.

When it comes to third year, you kinda become sick and bored to death for witnessing the same thing all over again and again.

Well my friend, that is how pathetic life would be when you don't have any other life beside your work. The same thing happen when i'm working at Muar. The same three year circle. The process damages your internal slowly without your even realized its happening. Things however change when i came back working at KL.

As you can see, this blog is what i can desribed as a medium for me to talk to someone or anyone, about something or anything, that is totally important and unimportant, both at the same time. It is my outlet or something like saviour for my soul.

Well, if this blog is very meaningful, then why i kept silence for this several years? It's easy. I met someone that i can speak too. And what is more, i can actually listen what that someone what to say. In fact, most of time, i was listening rather speaking. It reserverd more energy eventually.

And so, with me having a life apart from my job,  this road is not lonely no more. I do believe i become matured (yes, that is what i want to believe and you can't argue that). There's always something to do, and what's more, there's always a space you want to escape rather than dreading yourself unwillingly into infinite emptiness and dullness.

I really like to thank the AlMighthy for such a wonderful gift. It was never in my plan. Well, there's a little. However, it's nice someone who is real to be with. It's.. life changing. It's deeper conversation.

good will hunting

I don't know how long has it been, but trully, it's been that long. That really long. A lot had happen, A lot had change, but some does remain the same.

I still push hard to wake up early, but as the age came by, it is much easier to fall asleep at night, during my younger days, even at 4 AM, i can still open my eyes.

But then, you surely don't want to hear me rambling. I still loves movies, only that i'm not assiduous watcher anymore. (hmm.. what does assiduous means?). Anyway, i also lost my passion in music. In other word, i have become another dull lame human being.

Man.. I do miss those moment. The time i feel that i'm a part of an intelectual or art movement that indulge in the meaning of life. Yes, it is pretentious. It's more of a poser. But at that time.. what i really want is.. I don't want to be alone.

Time flies so fast, that if i put in writing, this posting should become a journal if to conclude this phase of my life. Owh, and I do enjoy food, even there's a lot of great cooking lately. I'm addicted on several games on Ipad but the real me is very competitive on ping pong. The real game of course, not any simulation computer graphic game, whatsover.

In this fasting month, when you can't smoke on day light, there's seems a lot of thoughts that is catching up with me. I hate not to be able to ignore it with nicotine, but i guess, i need to get to used it, if i want to quit someday.

However, the real time that my mind flies around is while i ride my bike (my scooter actually). It does feel lonely (not to be able to listen any radio), and so, i will sing to myself any song that reflect what i call my youth or my generation (i do feel old lately). 'If', is one of it. that is one really good tune.


 

-good-

wake up early. take some coffee. pray. recite al-quran. clean the floor. simple work out. chilling bath. smart clothes. go to work. be good and be honest and be fun. went home. pray on time. go jog. have a book to read. enjoy the book. bath. keep it clean. keep it nice. call mom. have a good sleep. keep it clean. keep it nice. smile. life is momentary. Have a fire inside your heart, and kept it burning, and let it light your way

putus asa- the dark time

If there is anyone reading this blog, surely he or she knows how dark the journey that this writer is going through. I'm actually 30 years old but there is nothing I actually achieved. I play a small part in this big world, i make no differences and little by little, i felt like being left out. There's is no longer the burning strive of a youth. just and old man who sit down silently, and questions playing in his head.

I try to be strong, but because changes is constant, this little island which i am, is slowly vaporised. Sometimes i do think about leaving this place, an old town, called Muar. Quit my job and start someting new. Make a new pattern. Craft an artwork. Straightaining everything that is narrow and winding.

Could i be that person? because the damage is actually at the core. This dark surrounding is all over my office and my house also. Is it because I envy all my friends and family, with all that they achieved? ( i blame the facebook, and how interactive this big world has been) Is it because I'm a dissapointing mess that regret is all over, again and again? through my life, i always think myself as a traveler, i never really settle down, at anywhere, and it's eating me inside out.

I miss being in a crowd. Although, most of the part, i'm just being invisible, but it does felt like i'm living in something. These day, i got to psyched myself almost everyday, and everytime, just to say 'it's going to be fine'. I've started smoking again. It is something i'm not proud of but everybody has their own demon. and ciggaratte is mine.

Beside my family, I don't have anyone to love, and it's kinda suck, because i felt that the future which i supposed to build with someone, is stuck at somewhere. Here is the reality, i'm single and i'm miserable. and to make matter worst, i don't have any friends which i can enjoy my life. My social life is empty, and there is no positive hobby i can work into. Even in my vacation, i'm still this asshole.

Maybe, it's because it's been three years over here, and everything starts to falling apart. My core, which is the motivation i rely all this time, is depleting and i even find out that reading books is boring. I need help. but I don't know how. If there's anyone reading this blog, i surely know the advise that are going to give. Either accept the reality, be patient and make the best of it or pack the bag and leave. time will tell, i hope so. or there is other saying, i wonder.