de ej of inersen

Sometimes, when i take a walk around the town, the dream of owning a book-coffee shop surely visit. Operating that kind of business would surely be a big step in my life, even right now, I don't know if I'm really good at it. I know one thing, i'm not that very good at routine. That's the reason why i hated waking up for school. But other than that, i love all the experience that i got from it.

Right now, my company is doing its big shuffles among the staff. The problem is that they like to do it very often. They don't need even a year to transfer someone. It doesn't have any formula, the top guys just shuffle it like we are poker cards. I don't know what is my fate, it's always unpredictable. I wonder if they have bureau at the artic, they also wouldn't hesitate to shuffle mens over there. This shuffle thing is not something to be argued, either you obey or get lost.

Because of this reason, i never let myself too complecent at JB. I'm here as a stranger and forever I will be it. Like many other places in this world, JB does have it excitements but it also have it shits, plus the cost of living is quite high. and another thing, everyone over here just always fancied about Singapore. Therefore, there are no reason why i should be romantic about it. As long as i can do my job, that is who i am.

Do I love my job.. hmmm... that's a though question. I guess a job is always a job. I observe that all of my officemates have their own reason to work at the company. Beside it is something they are really good at, it maybe because of the money for the family. A good wage is hard to earn especially for the semi-profesional like us. I just can't push my luck like my younger days.

The time of dreaming had passed. It's the moment of riding the waves and I must be very careful about it. One mistake and it surely cost a lifetime. I learn about it the hard way, i guess, that's why in these times, you just see me as a cool blooded person. I remember that I can be someone who is really stupid and I really don't want to be in that position again.

In so, what is going to happen next? It seems that is always question and more question. Have I answered it all? I just let the journey tells it. Who knows, maybe one day, i might settle down and open that book-coffee shop. It's a nice dream that i've kept all this time. It doesn't have any politics. And I don't have to think about all those shuffling crap. I just focus on making my customers happy and the bussines runs well. hmmmmm.. I know it's a denial from what i'm living right now, but then, what better things I should think about. Now you tell me.

omay

'sok, bday alang. bc la yasin 4 alang,'

I got that sms from my little sister yesterday. It does make me silence for a while. I think it's nice for her to remind me about it. Although arwah alang is no longer with us, i do feel her presence in the family... and we all, still misses her

talking about it

love is always a good reason. it gives meaning to whatever it touches. It also gives soul throughout any journey you take. In other words, love is not just for poets, it's for everyone.
However, love also have its' nonsenses. I'm not in the mood of stating it here, but you know what i mean if you ever been in love. Most of the time, i told other people that i don't want to think about it, but i lied, a heart is not a rock, and no man is an island.

Talking about the mystery of love, i'm still in the research and development department about it. I'm not talking this matter on subject of adam and eve only, but more of love as a whole. I always like people that are passionate in whatever they are doing. It is because it shows that they have a big heart in them, and that heart is feel with love. One thing i observe, people that are filled with love, doesn't really talk bullshit. They are talking real things but maybe there's a slight problem in circumstances and character department.

Why am i writing this matter? I don't know. I want to talk to someone about it but I don't think there's anybody around me shared that same thinking. It's always me and the wall. But then, the wall doesn't talk back, it just keep on staring. I maybe should talk with the plants more often, at least i know they need some sunshine, water and care. good night and sleep tight.

mengalirnya sungai kopi

Agak sukar rasanya berada di persimpangan, aku tidak dapat memberi nasihat kepada sesiapa pun. Tidak kepada kawan-kawan aku. Tidak juga kepada keluarga aku. Memang banyak orang yang melalui relung kehidupan ini, namun aku hanya dapat melihat sahaja. Mereka membuat keputusan begitu atas apa mereka fikirkan dan siapa pula aku untuk memadai memberitahu, walhal aku sendiri tersangkut dalam pertembungan jalan ini.

Lewat kini, aku banyak mendiamkan diri. Pemikiran aku sarat dengan falsafah yang bila-bila boleh dicampakkan ke tong sampah. Aku tidak mahu terbabit dalam realiti. Ia menyakitkan lagi membosankan. Aku cuma mahu kopi dan sebatang rokok yang menyala. Biarkan aku tenggelam dalam pemikiran, sama ada ia akan terjadi atau tidak.

How Do You Keep The Music Playing

by James Ingram

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?

How do you lose yourself to someone?
And never lose your ways
How do you not run out of new things to say?

And since we're always changing
How can it be the same?
And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart will fall apart

Each time you hear his name
I know the way I feel for you
It's now or never
The more I love the more that i'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever..
Forever...

If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with everyday to make it better as it grows
With any luck, then I suppose
The music never ends

I know the way I feel for you
It's now or never!
(How do you keep the music playing?)
The more I love the more that I'm afraid
(How do you make it last)
That in your eyes I may not see forever
Forever...
(How do you keep the song from fading, keep the song from fading too fast)
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with everyday to make it better as it grows
With any luck, then I suppose
The music never ends

*Despite all the raya mood surrounding, things are not really smooth over here. That's why you see at out of all people, i'm playing James Ingram to smooths thing around. Sometimes i just can't stand songs that makes me wanna kill myself. That's all.

selamat hari raya buat a'wa'k di sana

Kelakar rasanya, apabila aku pulang ke kampung untuk mendapati salah seorang anak saudara aku, humairah, yang berumur empat tahun begitu takut pada aku. Adakah dia mengetahui betapa jauhnya aku berubah? Setiap kali aku cuba mendekatinya, dia akan berlari ke belakang ibu bapanya. Aku pernah cuba memberinya agar-agar, kesudahannya dia berlari menyembunyikan diri dalam almari. Untuk merapatkan diri antara aku dengan dia, aku membeli bunga api di pasar ramadan. Aku tidak tahu sama ada dia masih takut pada aku atau tidak, tapi aku tahu dia begitu bergembira bermain bunga api bersama kakaknya tadi.

*ps : maaf zahir batin dan jaga diri baik-baik

rehab mata pejam

Aku mahu berlari di bawah pelangi. Kemudiannya, aku akan melompat-lompat di atas awan. Pada sang matahari, aku mencubit pipinya. Bagi sang bulan, aku akan mencium dahinya. Aku sedar badai sering kali membawaku terbang berputar-putar namun ku mohon, biarkan aku alami semua keindahan ini. Dengan deru ombak membisik pada telinga, aku rela tubuhku terbenam dalam pasiran pantai. Gantungkan sahaja aku di rimbunan pohon, asalkan kicau burung menemani. Tangan aku sudah terlalu lama ingin mengenggam dan memeluknya erat. Ribut salji mungkin telah membekukan jasad ini, namun harumnya masih dapat ku cium.

selamat berbuka puasa ;)

Aku masih ingat lagi betapa jakunnya aku semasa berbuka puasa pertama kali di sebuah hotel. Sebagaimana anak luar bandar lain yang tidak berapa mengenali kehidupan metropolitan, aku terkejut dengan apa aku jumpa. Terima kasih kepada boss aku ketika itu, aku mula kenal camaner orang bandaraya berbuka puasa secara buffet kat hotel. Pada ketika itu, perkara pertama yang aku terfikir 'banyak betul makanan!!!' Memang masa tu aku lupa dunia. Aku makan dan makan tanpa henti. Habis saja satu pinggan, aku sambung lagi dan terus makan dan makan lagi.

Sekarang ini, aku sudah bosan semua itu. Ia hanya makanan, tidak lebih dari itu. Melainkan kawan-kawan aku ajak, baru aku pergi, kalau tidak, aku lebih selesa berbuka dengan sedikit juadah di bazar ramadan yang aku tapau. kalau di pejabat, aku mungkin akan berbuka kat mamak jer. Melainkan mungkin, kerana tugasan, aku akan berbuka di hotel.

Teori aku tentang semua ini, aku sudah letih dengan syurga yang dunia cuba wujudkan. Bagi aku sama sahaja semua, asalkan perut berisi. Aku dulu pernah juga berbuka kuih jer kat tembok tepi jalan. Dan aku juga pernah buat muka tembok berbuka bubur lambok kat surau. (ahli kariah mesti pelik tengok anak sapar ni) Secara kasarnya, sama sahaja kesudahannya, perut kenyang juga. Aku tidak meminta lebih. Cukup sekadar mencukupi.

MENGHARAPKAN MESIN BASUH

APa yaNg teRSEmbuNYi di SebALik rIAk wAjahNya iTu? adaKAH akU terLalu rINGkas unTUk meMahAMi kATa-katAnYa dAHUlu? aKU meMaNG meLIhaTnya, AkU MenDenGArnYA jUga, bILa diFIKIrkan SemUa inI, mUnGKin aKU SEpaTUtnya diLAhirKAn sEBagai mEsIN bAsUH, sUPaya Dia daPAT beRAda di DAlam diRIku dan BeRPutar-pUtaR hinGGA dia TenaNG. aKU tIDak Mahu dIA terCedEra seKIRanyA meLANggar SeSUatu di lUar. biaR sAhaja diA berpUTAR di DaLAm mEsin BAsuH inI, oH Ya, aKU lEtaK sABun bANYak-BAnYaK, bAGI berBUIh-bUiH, akU tIdak KiSAh saMA aDA diA mahU mEnanGIS, keTAwa, meNJerit, aKU aKAN meMEluKNya eRAt. bILA dia suDAH pENat bERpuTAr, dAn tEnANg, pENutup Itu diBUka dan Dia bEbAS ke Mana-mANA geMBira. meNArik BuKan, kaLAU akU inI meSIN baSUh. nAMun AkU bUKan, aKU hAnYA seORang PeNULis yANG sEdAng mEMikiRKan sESuaTU. aKU maSIh tiDak taHU soALAnnya, nAMun AkU aKAn meNJawabnYA wAlaUPun sAlaH.

glimpse of joyness

As I am about to start writing this blog around 9.00 pm, i suddenly felt hungry and went to Mamak instead. But i can't continue it back after I finish my dinner. This is because an information come out about a three year old boy who lost from his home are being taken care at a police station. At that time, it was past my working hours but I felt maybe i should lend my help in this matter. (which with my boss ordering it also). With a news coverage, it should be more resourceful for the parents to find their lost kid. I take my car although i don't know the exact location of the police station. I arrive late, but just in the right time to watch the 'miracle spontaneous moment'. The parent of that kid arrive at the same time with me. In so, i did saw how joyful the parents are when being reunited with their beloved son after he was lost from home for almost 8 hours. Off course I didn't cry, i was cursing my hand for keep on shaking while taking pictures of them together. (maybe it's because of the caffeine or maybe the nacontine) But the thing is, i feel happy to share their joy. I hope others kids that are lost right now, can be reunited back with their parents, especially Nurin Jazlin Jazimin, who is only 8 years old. As for me, the story of my life today shows that there's miracle in this world. It is enough to make me feel relief. But I just don't know how much luck we can get from it. For the time being, i guess we just got to hold on with our faith.

selepas kemusnahan

Kemas bilik akhirnya semalam. Keadaan dah sampai bersawang dengan barang-barang bergelimpangan. Sehubungan itu, hampagas diaktifkan bagi menyedut segala kotoran. Kain buruk turut diaplikasikan bagi ruang yang degil. Tenang rasanya juga bila kipas tidak lagi berabuk. Rak buku dan cd disusun tegak kembali. Sampah-sampah dimasukkan dan diikat dalam plastik. Baju seluar kotor dicampak ke dalam mesin basuh dan diputarkan. Penyangkut baju juga dikutip dan diletakkan kembali ke dalam almari kain.

Radio yang dibeli dengan gaji pertama itu menyanyikan lagu, sedikit sebanyak ia memecahkan kesunyian. Terfikir untuk berlari tetapi sudah terlalu malas. Aku membaringkan diri pada tilam yang tebal hanya seinci. Melihat siling, aku terkenang bulan dan bintang disebaliknya.

Yuko and Hiro

by Blur from their The Great Escape album


This is my work place
And these are the people I work with
Yuko and Hiro
We work together
We work for the company
That works to the future
We work hard to please them
They will protect us

I never see you
We're never together
I'll love you forever

I drink in the evening
It helps with relaxing
I can't sleep without drinking
We drink together
From monday to saturday
I go to my workplace
But on sunday we are together
Yuko and hiro

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

*Don't ask me about what this song want to tell, even up until now, I don't know what it really means. but somehow, i find there's something really beautiful in it. Something that makes me play it over and over again. hmmm...

belok kanan jumpa terang

Kerja aku makin melambak kebelakangan ini. Cuti pula merupakan ruang masa yang panjang lagi membosankan. Aku mula berasa tubuh aku ini kebas dengan roh makin kekeringan. Dalam banyak waktu, aku mengambil kopi dan menghisap rokok sebatang demi sebatang. Masa tidak mungkin berhenti untuk itu, sebaliknya aku mula ketinggalan. Senang kata, sebagaimana sering mendungnya Johor Bahru, begitulah keadaan aku. Bukan marah. Bukan sedih. Bukan juga gembira. Cuma kau akan melihat sepasang mata kuyu merenung bawah dengan dua tangan tersimpan dalam kocek.

Aku mungkin sebenarnya sudah terlalu biasa dengan kehidupan seperti ini. Masih lagi aku ingat bagaimana ketika di tingkatan satu, aku akan selalu memanjat tingkap untuk duduk di bahagian luar koridor tingkat tiga bangunan asrama. Seorang diri, aku merenung matahari terbenam dengan memikirkan kenapa budak-budak seusia aku begitu kejam. Aku mahu berada dalam kegembiraan bukannya dalam pergelutan. Sejak itu, dunia tidak lagi seperti mana aku pernah sangka dan ia berterusan sehingga kini. Aku tidak simpan dendam tetapi kegirangan bukanlah diri aku sepenuhnya lagi. Banyak bahagian dalam diri ini aku sembunyikan. Sesekali aku bersuara dan mereka tertawakan aku. Tiada dendam, aku sengaja melakukannya supaya aku tahu aku masih wujud.

Bukannya aku hendak mengenepikan rahmat-rahmat yang pernah membelai tubuh kurus ini, namun banyak waktu, aku tertangguh dalam persimpangan. Kompas aku sering bergantung pada nasib. Namun dalam usia dewasa ini, aku bagai merasakan jarum kompas itu berpusing gila ke semua arah. Tiada ketentuan. Aku terlalu takut untuk menghentikan jarum itu kerana nasib aku terletak padanya. Akhirnya aku menutup kompas itu. Oleh kerana ketentuan itu belum tiada, aku memutuskan untuk ingin melihat sejauh mana nasib nyawa ini.

Dengan tidak meletakkan pertaruhan tinggi, aku menyimpan harapan kecil dalam hati dua separa bulat tepat ini. Aku bukannya seorang pejudi yang baik. Sering sahaja aku melihat not-not seringgit aku berterbangan dengan kepaknya. hampeh betul. Tapi dalam banyak waktu, aku mengintai harapan aku itu, girang sebentar rasanya sebelum kembali ke realiti. Bumi bulat ini tidak pernah sunyi daripada kejutan namun ia sentiasa kembali kepada kenangan dan harapan yang membuat aku rasa manusia kembali.

the rainbow connection

by kermit the frog


Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

back here

the situation is always the same,
finding myself in a place where i can't speak,
complete numbness,
i let my fingers to take a walk,
while my ears are busy capturing complicated noises,
my eyes are easily distracted by colors,
they say colors brings life,
well i do see the colors in them,
i just don't know what color i am,
should it be what is supposed to be,
or there's no trully an answer for it,
Am i predictable for this?
in tiredness i open my eyes
just to show you i'm still breathing

bubbles

In the times when i can't find words to write, i just draw. I could say that this is a mental image of what I am thinking. It's not what I'm living, it's just one of my wishful thinking in colors that are provided by microsoft paint.

conversation with god

In my wildest mind, sometimes i felt it would be much more easier if God can speak directly to us, in what He actually want for us. In a way, if i could describe it, i would like a conversation. If not God, maybe an angel would be nice. I picture it like a meeting between a client with a financial planner. Yupp, that would be great. The reason i ask for this is because when you become older, you do felt the presence of Lucifer. I do know the reason why the devil are here is because of the plot in destroying human being, but they are kinda cool in another way of seeing it. But nothing really last in this world, isn't it. This is what I believe. In so, whether I'm comfortable or not, I don't think God will speak directly. He had given a lot of help already in matter of grace and showing the right path. In the end, it's about making choices, and I do hope I will make a good one. Good night and sweet dreams.

ke dalam -perspektif - letakannya

Hari ini hari Isnin. Kalau dalam kehidupan normal, orang pastinya akan berkata hari ini berkait rapat dengan 'monday blues'. Satu bentuk kemalasan selepas cuti hujung minggu. Aku sedihnya, sudah lama tidak mengalami sindrom ini. Ia berlaku sejak cuti aku tidak lagi tetap kepada Sabtu dan Ahad semata-mata. Penyakit yang aku alami sekarang ini boleh menjadi kepada apa-apa hari pun. Ia boleh menjadi Rabu atau Jumaat atau mana-mana hari pun, pilih sahaja mana satu. Bagaimanapun, ia bukan satu masalah bila dalam kepala fikir tentang gaji yang masuk hujung bulan. Pemikiran positif rasanya. Adakah aku hipokrit bila memperkatakan ia patut tentang gaji? Aku rasa tidak. Jawapan kepada persoalan hidup pun sebenarnya tidak pernah dalam bentuk objektif, ia sebaliknya subjektif. Cuma dalam setiap kes, ada sahaja perkara yang kita lebih utamakan. Seperti menulis berita, perenggan pertamanya akan menceritakan perkara pokok. Namun kita tidak dapat menafikan kepentingan perenggan-perenggan seterusnya. Ia adalah sisi yang penting juga dalam penyampaian. Sebagaimana iceberg, apa yang membuat ia terapung adalah termasuk di dalam dasar. Cuma kita tidak nampaknya sahaja. Jadi, bagaimana kita tadi boleh kaitkan antara 'monday blues' dengan 'iceberg'? Selamat datang ke dalam minda aku. Muhahahahaha dan selamat tidur.

this is a going to be a long one

yo blog, wassup, watcha doin, sorry for disturbing you in this middle of late night/ early morning, yeargghh, i know, the lorry that carry today's paper are downstair, i know that all other people are sleeping, but i somehow want to share with you something, i hate what goes in my head, yup, that is what i want to tell.

I am totally disturbed with what goings in my mind. Not to say that i'm crazy or some sort of that but my mind speaks crazy with me lately. To be true, this mind thing has been forever. People arounds me know about it but they didn't say about it. But like one of my friend told me, i'm living in a two different life. I stop that conversation quickly because i didn't want to make that topic goes further. I mean, for surely, he didn't want to hear all those weird theroies i got in my head. And i didn't what the conversation goes about how melancholic and infine sadness my life is.

So, here I am, sorry blog for causing you to carry that burden. It is a good thing that we didn't have an two-way communication. If that does happen, i surelly hope that we chill about it and you don't take it seriously. Come on, all of the people in this world got their own problem. But the things, i don't go to bars where i can say to the bartender, 'this is a going to be a long night'. And another thing is, do i look a person who mediates calmly in the mosque?, because if you realized, i wake up 2.00 pm on last Friday. Yuppp... that's the shit i am. Damn fucking shit.

If i can conclude my life is... i'm someone who picks up anything that had touch my life. I don't know what's really inside me. Off course you heard people that say 'just be yourself' ... what fuck is that, what fuck i am. How can I be myself when I don't know who the fuck I am. You got what I mean blog, or the fact I'm writing this shit just show how self-absorbed I am actually. fuck. fuck. fuck.

I don't know why suddenly I felt very cold. Is it the aircond? or the beatles songs that are being played? or that i'm actually shivering inside. You know what is great right now, a cup of a hot coffee, about ciggarettes, eventually there's one stucking in my mouth.

The thing is blog, maybe my true wish from all this madness is that i want to have a clear mind or another better way of saying, i want to have a clear soul. I want an ability to capture a moment right at that moment. I don't want to be busy doing nothing and finally realized, it is in the past. I want to have a clear mind about my future, my past and my present.

And another thing blog, i wish i don't have to write to this stuff to you blog. Because it's all just what trap inside my mind. I have no intention to share it with others, neither with you. I'm doing fine with my life. Although, i wake up late everyday, i still have my job. I also have hobbies to fill up my time. There's also friends that i can go hangouts. I read books and that surely makes me some sort of knowledgable (yeargh... right, i'm still dumb as primary school student by the fact that i can't found a place which is only 5 km from my office) I guess what we are sharing over here is because i want to be heard and also ignored at the same time. I don't want to burden anybody. I just want to... what we should say.. chill. Yup, that's the word. In certain time, I want to chill.

Life will just goes on. The sun will rise and the moon will also gazes at night. I don't want my head will only goes about my senseless big stupid question. I want to write something what is outside my life (what the fuck, that's what my job is) Not that i'm not proud of what I'm doing, it just I realized that it will take a long time before i can get promoted. I should search something that i could really stick into. Writing fiction I presume. huhuhuhu. Where dreams becomes reality. Yupp, that is what my head is fill with... dreams. and in a way, it does bothers me. owhh.. fuck. here we go again. but then again, let's just chill about it. You do know the thing we talk is just what in my mind :)

tata blog and good morning to you.

senja

langit kian gelap dengan mentari bersalaman bulan, lelapkan matamu, esok kita temui lagi senja tanpa janji