good will hunting

I don't know how long has it been, but trully, it's been that long. That really long. A lot had happen, A lot had change, but some does remain the same.

I still push hard to wake up early, but as the age came by, it is much easier to fall asleep at night, during my younger days, even at 4 AM, i can still open my eyes.

But then, you surely don't want to hear me rambling. I still loves movies, only that i'm not assiduous watcher anymore. (hmm.. what does assiduous means?). Anyway, i also lost my passion in music. In other word, i have become another dull lame human being.

Man.. I do miss those moment. The time i feel that i'm a part of an intelectual or art movement that indulge in the meaning of life. Yes, it is pretentious. It's more of a poser. But at that time.. what i really want is.. I don't want to be alone.

Time flies so fast, that if i put in writing, this posting should become a journal if to conclude this phase of my life. Owh, and I do enjoy food, even there's a lot of great cooking lately. I'm addicted on several games on Ipad but the real me is very competitive on ping pong. The real game of course, not any simulation computer graphic game, whatsover.

In this fasting month, when you can't smoke on day light, there's seems a lot of thoughts that is catching up with me. I hate not to be able to ignore it with nicotine, but i guess, i need to get to used it, if i want to quit someday.

However, the real time that my mind flies around is while i ride my bike (my scooter actually). It does feel lonely (not to be able to listen any radio), and so, i will sing to myself any song that reflect what i call my youth or my generation (i do feel old lately). 'If', is one of it. that is one really good tune.


 

-good-

wake up early. take some coffee. pray. recite al-quran. clean the floor. simple work out. chilling bath. smart clothes. go to work. be good and be honest and be fun. went home. pray on time. go jog. have a book to read. enjoy the book. bath. keep it clean. keep it nice. call mom. have a good sleep. keep it clean. keep it nice. smile. life is momentary. Have a fire inside your heart, and kept it burning, and let it light your way

putus asa- the dark time

If there is anyone reading this blog, surely he or she knows how dark the journey that this writer is going through. I'm actually 30 years old but there is nothing I actually achieved. I play a small part in this big world, i make no differences and little by little, i felt like being left out. There's is no longer the burning strive of a youth. just and old man who sit down silently, and questions playing in his head.

I try to be strong, but because changes is constant, this little island which i am, is slowly vaporised. Sometimes i do think about leaving this place, an old town, called Muar. Quit my job and start someting new. Make a new pattern. Craft an artwork. Straightaining everything that is narrow and winding.

Could i be that person? because the damage is actually at the core. This dark surrounding is all over my office and my house also. Is it because I envy all my friends and family, with all that they achieved? ( i blame the facebook, and how interactive this big world has been) Is it because I'm a dissapointing mess that regret is all over, again and again? through my life, i always think myself as a traveler, i never really settle down, at anywhere, and it's eating me inside out.

I miss being in a crowd. Although, most of the part, i'm just being invisible, but it does felt like i'm living in something. These day, i got to psyched myself almost everyday, and everytime, just to say 'it's going to be fine'. I've started smoking again. It is something i'm not proud of but everybody has their own demon. and ciggaratte is mine.

Beside my family, I don't have anyone to love, and it's kinda suck, because i felt that the future which i supposed to build with someone, is stuck at somewhere. Here is the reality, i'm single and i'm miserable. and to make matter worst, i don't have any friends which i can enjoy my life. My social life is empty, and there is no positive hobby i can work into. Even in my vacation, i'm still this asshole.

Maybe, it's because it's been three years over here, and everything starts to falling apart. My core, which is the motivation i rely all this time, is depleting and i even find out that reading books is boring. I need help. but I don't know how. If there's anyone reading this blog, i surely know the advise that are going to give. Either accept the reality, be patient and make the best of it or pack the bag and leave. time will tell, i hope so. or there is other saying, i wonder.

the question in the morning

lately, in every morning i wake up, there is a certain fear. i don't know what it is. It takes the time before i get out of the bed and have a bath. that period of emptiness, somehow govern me that everything is pitch black. Maybe it's true, it's frustation. But to have it over and over again, for days, weeks and months, makes me feel week and useless.

Somehow, i don't know how end this circle. Like a big sloath that has been eating me inside, i'm afraid of the outside world. I'm afraid of what tomorow will bring to me. The future seems so alien, i take myself as a rock, buried down in the deep ocean floor. i want to cry, but what for, the tears is all around and drowning me. I'm too sad to fake a smile. I'm too damaged.

I couldn't float without the gravity pulling down. The fact is nobody can float in the air. However, that is who i am. Someone who wants to challenge the rule because of the unhappiness around. There were time where i could just run, and let the sweat with the short breath, help me to feel alive. But what for. I'm doubting all answer, and i'm even doubting all question.

This person, who i am right now, is the same person i've known for along thing. it's my mr. hyde. irrensponsible, ugly and a menace. Maybe i should kill him, but i couldn't kill myself. Living in irony is hard. I prefer something that is plain and simple. But the reality is far beyond what we can imagine, and the future is big question of unknown. Without even realizing it, i think i just open a pandora box. Now, the biggest task, how to shut it back, forever.

limbo

bosan dengan facebook? serangga itu sedang mengigit aku. sebagaimana china yang sebelum ini dengan dasar pintu tertutup, atau jepun di waktu tokugawa shogunate, aku kian melabuhkan tirai. seperti mengucapkan selamat malam, sebelum tidur untuk selama-lamanya dan berangkat ke dunia lain. interaksi sosial melalui laman maya menemui tahap tepu, bagi aku. ia bukan lagi dunia baru. ini jadi dunia realiti. dan dunia realiti agak membosankan.

semalam, aku membuka televisyen untuk menonton DVD cetak rompak. baru separuh jalan tengok, DVD tu rosak dan aku terpaksa tengok cerita yang berhenti di pertengahan. Alangkah peritnya. Semua emosi yang terkumpul terpaksa diluahkan dalam keluhan. Kenapa ia menjadi begitu bosan. Untuk hancur di tengah perjalanan adalah amat menyedihkan.

Malam itu aku tidur dan mengakhirkan hari dengan buku mengenai dunia silam. Aku terlelap dalam cahaya terang. Aku bermimpi berjumpa rakan-rakan lama dan saling bergelak ketawa. Aku bermimpi mengikuti pengembaraan yang tidak pernah difikirkan. Aku mimpi dalam dua lapis mimpi, hingga realiti terpisah begitu jauh. Adakah aku bangun untuk hidup dalam dunia limbo? berterusan tanpa maksud.

noted

Everyone gots a demon. It's all around us. This evil being kept telling lies so that we can never get out from any hole. There are many kinds of reason that can trigger. Frustation is one of it. While, boredom is a great catalyst. Living in delay is also another hell. I guess I lack of soul. And then, there's the damage. The thing that you are ashamed but you are trap because it's in the present. I have problem in making good decision. My instinct is working against me. I don't want to admit that i'm a failure, just another bump lying on the street. I'm not that numb. There's pressure all around and i feel tired. And so, i'm advising myself in this writing. Wake up early, my dear friend. Let the morning hope brings another new world. Don't be afraid of tomorow, it's something you got to embrace. Be good to everybody, especially to yourself. Remember, there is this life, and another life when you are dead. Don't let it become a waste. There's continuity in every moment. A thread being sewed in every minute, in every moment. Plan well and kept on going. Frustation is a another perception. Hardship is what brings a man to a journey that he will be remembered. Get in healthy life and healthy thoughts. Misery is momentary, open your eyes and open your imagination. Don't give up, get through it, and please read everything you come across, insyaallah, everything will be allright. take care, and pleasant dreams.

choke

I'm sorry but i can't make up my mind. I don't know whether i'm comfortable in isolation (which is the state i'm being) or being in cramp pack places (which i've been in the past and would be in the future). The thought of not having someone to talk to is tiring. What is more scary is that i always find myself being lost whenever i'm alone. The simple way of describing is like when i'm alone, i don't sense any gravity to glue me to earth. A lost soul wondering without any purpose. However, in crowded places, i never really like any attention. I like to play tricks on being invisible. Weird, but i like hiding among the crowd.

Most probably, the cause of all this conflict is that i don't have any purpose. There are some nice wishes but i don't really think it would come around. I'm so tired from having my hopes high that i'm ended under a deep hole. Most of the time, i would say to myself that it will be okay. I kept on being nice but right now, sloath is tangling around me. Whenever the clock is moving, i would say to myself, when would all this end. and Whenever i wake up from my sleep, i do sense that my body is moving but i think my soul is still left in the bed

But not everything is bad. Every evening i went back to my house and pick up any interesting movie to watch or let myself float in any book i'm reading. I had to really on other reality to get away from my true reality, which could be a location from a murder scene, yup, that is my house. It is facsinating. Living in all this irony which doesn't bring any proper meaning. I'm too tired actually. All i want is a peaceful mind and a good life to live on. Cheers.

superweird

can there be a sleep when you don't have to wake up anymore? i would like that. i'm ready to empty my head. Probably that kind of sleep will get me down under, but would there be dreams, good dreams or what i fear the most, endless nightmare. It is easy to smile, i should say, but for how long, i'm asking. All i know right now is i'm trying to run away. Sure, i'll be at work, but is no more than a rountine. but What i prefered most is to take a book and go to neverland. i look at all this character, and situation, no matter how weird the thing is described, somehow, i know its real. It's like experimenting with drugs. A world could change instanstly but you know you are still there. There is no such thing like flying pigs, cats with horn or disco lemonade, but deep down, when that thing has been described, it almost felt real. Maybe this is how boredom looks like. I am so happy to exchange my reality with fiction. I rather go down with fantasy rather than to rise and face the bitter truth. Am i wrong to assume life in form of escapism. Would there be peace and beauty? or sweey sincerety? deep down in my mind, i don't know. i just keep on going, and it's the same thing with waking up every morning.

Happy Birthday and All The Best Wishes!!!

i'm sorry

As much as i appreciate history, i couldn't find myself on turning back from the decision that i make. Even for something as yesterday, it's just another memory from everything i've been through. I always imagine moments as magical. Apparently, it didn't happen that way. All those 'at first sight', 'watching the same sunrise' or 'unplanned bump in', end up to be just another normal course. Maybe expectation play tricks on my mind. It always does.

These days, i'm feeling heavy. Not just because i put on weight, i also find it difficult to be motivated. I like to write but i feel empty with words. In this reality and space, all i really want is to be silent. Retired from all the bullshit. Maybe take sometimes to reflect. It's not easy to be good and it's not fun to be bad. Looking at future, i don't know how will it shape. but I have good hopes. Insyaallah.

All the best wishes and do take care.

just a state of mind

There will always be a girl. Someone that catches your eye. Someone that would steal your mind. The body would be here, but the soul is flying and searching, looking for her. It goes through clouds. It shiver in rains. It even stood in the sun. I miss the laughter. I cherish the hope. I live for the dream. It would be beautiful. Something spectacular. Unless, i made it all. That everything, it's only in my mind, with the girl, is actually thinking something else. A bond that doesn't tight. A gesture for momentary hold. A smile for a sake of being nice. It's always been like that. Almost all my life. Is it wonder to have that girl? What makes it special? I want to be in a conversation. My ears is for listening. But is it real? That's the question. Words that would be sincere. It seems strange when everything take its shape. However, yes, there would be however, i don't want to wake up. I couldn't wake up. I'm hurt. I'm bruised. But I will always see her face. Her sweet face. I would remember how she would care and how she would sooth. The voice that you would wait all the day. The laughter that make all the joy. The text that kept on making you melt. It almost feel forever in this little paradise. Before eventually, time takes its place. It does happen. I mean, this feeling. this dream. this girl. but then, a point would always come in, and honesty is taking over happiness. It would not bitter. but as it seem, i'm breathing in the water.

sebentar sayang

Tengah hujan di luar sana. Cuaca agak sejuk. Solat Isyak belum lagi. Makan juga belum lagi. Hanya membiarkan diri ini duduk depan laptop. Sengaja hanyut di dalam internet. Sambil dibuai lagu-lagu itunes party shuffle. Tiada apa yang cukup menarik. Bagaimanapun, cukup bersyukur. Aku masih berada di sini.

Mungkin banyak waktu aku terlupa. Atau sengaja lupa. Besar sekali, aku dibalut angan-angan kosong. Bumbung yang sepatutnya teduh menjadi telangkup. Salah mata melihat. Salah jiwa meronta. Salah minda menunduk. Aku tidak mahu mengadu. Tiada siapa mendengar. Alasan adalah coretan. Hanya berserah pada Yang Maha Esa. Yang Maha Pengasihani.

Kerja seperti biasa. Tidur adalah lebih dari cukup. Makan terlalu lebih dari cukup. Bimbang juga tengok perut. Besar mana ia mungkin mengembang? Adakah sampai menutup matahari? Nafas pun tercunggap-cungap. Nyawa singkat. Nak berlari takut. Berjalan pun malas. Mengemas lagilah lemas. Sengaja biar barang-barang berselerak. Dalam mimpi ia terapung. Sama seperti urusan-urusan lain. Menunggu dipetik. Diselesaikan.

Terlalu banyak buku. Maklumat serabut. Mimpi pun kalut. Biar harapan terlepas. Dari mula lagi. Aku bukan penentunya. Sekadar tersenyum Aku bahagia. Sekarang kembali kepada satu buku. Harap aku faham. Hancur semua. Bangun semula. Sebagaimana indahnya matahari terbit. Sebagaimana sayunya matahari terbenam. Begitulah hidup ini. Cuma sebentar, sayang.

hidup yang baik

semua permulaan ada kesudahannya, tetapi apa yang berlaku sepanjang perjalanan? adakah aku masih lagi seorang yang susah bangkit pagi? kenapa lagu Metallica 'blackened itu begitu layan sekali? adakah aku akan dapat tidur dengan nyenyak? adakah segala cita-cita itu tercapai? bagaimana pula tentang semua yang diperlukan? untuk mengetahui selanjutnya, sila mengikutinya pada episod akan datang... kira-kira setahun lagi kot.. hoho

roh dan sesuatu untuk diperjuangkan

Ada sesuatu mengenai sukan yang cukup menarik perhatian aku. Segala dalam sukan adalah jelas. Persaingan dan Pertandingan. Ia adalah penentuan mengenai dua perkara. Ia adalah berkenaan antara menang atau kalah. Jangan cakap mengenai seri sebab ia adalah penangguhan sebelum mata untuk seluruh musim dikira. Jadi aku tidak tahu bagaimana hendak cakap mengenai diri aku. Petang tadi aku kalah tiga perlawanan badminton. Mulanya aku dapat bagi cabaran sampai mata akhir, tapi dua perlawanan seterusnya, memang aku mangsa belasahan. Sakit siot. Siapa tidak mahu menang? Lagi sedih, aku tahu sebab apa aku kalah.

Dalam apa-apa perlawanan pun, ia berbalik kepada dua benda, sejauh mana kekuatan stamina dan tidak kurang penting, sejauh mana kekuatan minda. Jujurnya, aku kekurangan kedua-dua perkara itu. Apa yang aku ada hanya keinginan. Rasa juang sebelum mati mungkin. Aku tidak mahu angkat bendera, aku mahu cabar sehingga aku rasa puas, sekurang-kurangnya aku telah mencapai sesuatu. Aku ada reka satu perumpamaan untuk perkara ini 'Adakah sama seorang Cina yang bekerja keras tanam sayur dengan seorang Cina yang duduk lepak rumah tengok TV saja?'. Ia tidak sama, walaupun aku bukan seorang yang berpengetahuan tinggi tetapi setelah melalui pengalaman yang luas mengenai kekalahan, aku fikir aku tahu apa yang perlu untuk menang.

Aku tahu sesetengah orang memilih sesuatu yang mereka samakan dengan keamanan. Duduk statik dan mengharapkan kebaikan. Bagaimanapun, kehidupan adalah mengenai persaingan dan selagi kita tidak melampaui batas, tidak salah rasanya untuk berjuang. Bukan aku tidak hormat John Lennon, aku rasa dia seorang yang amat berbakat. Namun aku menolak imaginasinya dalam lagu 'Imagine' yang tidak mahu adanya negara, tidak mahu adanya syurga dan tidak mahu adanya neraka. Adakah semua perkara yang Tuhan ciptakan dalam dunia ini adalah untuk sia-sia? Manusia, walau semurni mana pun harapannya, tidak boleh menolak hakikat yang persaingan adalah sebahagian kehidupan.

Manusia moden di banyak rantau dunia memisahkan fahaman antara kapitalisme dengan sosialisme. Kononnya hanya ada dua pilihan iaitu persaingan yang membawa kepada ketamakan (kapitalis) atau tanggungjawab yang membawa kepada kebosanan dalam kehidupan yang statik (sosialis). Bagi aku, adalah kesilapan besar untuk menafikan tuntutan dan kebergantungan dalam kehidupan ini. Sedar tak mereka bahawa untuk hidup, kita semua memang perlu kerja dan bukan hanya disuap sahaja. Selain itu, tidak salah untuk menjadi kaya kalau kita kuat berusaha tetapi jangan lupa tanggungjawab untuk menolong orang yang papa. Sangat jauh berbeza sebenarnya antara orang yang bekerja keras dengan orang yang duduk berserah sahaja. Dari segi rahmatnya, kemenangan itu dalam pelbagai bentuk. Ada yang segera nampak di mata namun ada juga yang ditangguhkan bagi menguji mereka yang tabah. Begitupun, perkara pokoknya, berjuang adalah untuk berserah (Islam itu sendiri bermaksud berserah, iaitu berserah kepada Tiada Tuhan Selain Allah dan Nabi Muhammad itu Pensuruh Allah).

Orang selalu ingat yang kemenangan itu dicipta selama sehari. Itu tanggapan yang silap. Kemenangan hanya datang selepas kerja keras dan penat lelah untuk tempoh masa yang panjang. Sesetengah perkara, untuk tahap yang lebih tinggi, memerlukan tempoh berbulan-bulan dan bertahun-bertahun. Apa aku ingin cakap adalah ia lebih lengkap kalau rutin itu tidak pernah terpisah dari kehidupan seharian. Masa dalam pengakap dahulu, aku diajar untuk sentiasa sedia. Rasanya itu apa yang diperlukan untuk berjuang. Dalam keadaan mata buka atau pejam, persaingan itu sentiasa ada, cuma persoalannya, adakah kita mampu berikan yang terbaik. Aku memilih pegangan untuk berjoging kira-kira tiga kilometer bagi setiap sesi kerana aku percaya, bila waktu diperlukan, aku boleh berlari lebih laju dari sepatutnya dan lagipun, memang banyak perkara yang kita kena lari.

Sun Tzu adalah bercakap mengenai menguasai bumi untuk menguasai peperangan. Aku fikir dalam konteks ini, aku perlu siap sediakan tubuh aku sebelum aku boleh keluarkan sepenuhnya akal aku. Banyak waktu sebenarnya, aku berasa kecewa. Sering kali dalam permainan badminton, banyak muslihat dan taktik yang sebenarnya dapat aku fikirkan, tetapi sebab aku gagal menguasai nafas dan pergerakan tubuh ini, ia tidak lebih dari angan-angan, Bukan sahaja badminton, malah dalam banyak aktiviti lain, kegagalan untuk bersedia ini menyebabkan aku menjadi ketinggalan. Silap aku pun sebab aku sekarang banyak berkawan dengan selimut, tilam dan bantal. hampeh betul.

Tetapi aku tahu makna kelebihannya bila mata ini boleh melihat jauh, dan aku juga faham keupayaan apabila pergerakan itu boleh dibaca. Ya, aku perlukan nafas. Lebih penting lagi, aku perlukan roh untuk hidup. Kecewa itu sebahagian dari kitaran. Aku boleh kalah tetapi biarlah kalah itu sesuatu yang aku tidak kesalkan kerana menang itu lebih baik. Perbezaan itu jelas. Walau apa pun keputusannya, aku redha namun dalam senyuman yang kecil ini, aku tetap mahu mencuba yang terbaik dari usahaku untuk mengetahui takdirku.

mixed feeling

here i am,
i can't say that i'm the saddest person,
it's not that bad,
although it's not that funny
there's nothing to laugh out of loud,
but probably,
sincerely,
with something to smile,
given good time or bad time ,
i think i can get through this,
it's not the end,
as they say,
what is more,
it's not the whole story,
it's just pieces,
in truth,
mixed feeling never should be together,
but it's there,
and actually,
it's reality,
of where i am

goodbye.. hello

Tahniah kepada diri sendiri, sekali lagi aku menjadi orang yang gagal. Mungkin tidak salah mencuba tapi hampeh!!!!.... sakit siot bila gagal. Kecederaan, walaupun tak nampak darah, sebenarnya amat parah. Secara teknikal, sistem kehidupan aku menjadi lumpuh. Setiap doktrin yang aku pegang, setiap harapan yang aku mimpi, bertukar menjadi debu ditiup angin. Dalam logik yang hampir pecah terlerai, aku kini langsung tidak hirau sama ada waktu itu siang atau malam. Aku tidak peduli apa itu masa depan atau masa lampau. Aku hanya dapat lihat empat dinding di sekelilingku dan satu siling serta satu lantai yang menelangkupku. Bila difikirkan balik, kenapa gagal yang perlu aku bertemu? untuk apa aku berusaha jika akhirnya aku tersungkur jatuh terkulai layu?

Sama seperti kebanyakan soalan-soalan aku terdahulu? aku tiada jawapan. Aku tiada masa pun untuk memikirkan jawapan. Bukan hendak kata 24 jam aku itu mutlak untuk perkara lain, tapi masa aku itu hanya terisi apa yang tidak lebih daripada marah, kecewa, sakit, pedih, bingung, keliru, tenggelam dan sedih hingga aku tertunduk. Aku patutnya rasa malu. Lebih dari itu, aku patut kambus diri aku dalam tanah. Perkara yang aku berterus-terang sebenarnya bukan perkara yang dikongsi bersama. Aku punya cita-cita tapi bukan di tangan aku segala daya. Aku patutnya sedar, dia awal-awal lagi telah memperingatkan aku. Dengan lembut dia telah memberitahuku. Namun dalam kebisuan, dia menutupku. Dalam senyum yang pahit, aku tewas sebagaimana aku yang terdahulu.

Jadi bagaimana soalnya masa hadapan? Aku hanya mahu pandang ke langit dan aku harap segalanya kosong bila aku pandang ke hadapan. Aku tahu tiada apa yang aku boleh buat mengenai masa lampau, semuanya tinggal di belakang. Segala senyuman, pengalaman, kenangan dan harapan lalu hanya akan menghanyutkan aku kembali. Ia bukan mudah, ibarat tangan aku yang hancur, aku terpaksa putuskan sebelum luka itu merebak dan meragut nyawaku. Memang aku boleh nyatakan, betapa begitu dia adalah seorang yang cukup bermakna. Aku boleh hidup dalam realiti itu tapi aku terpaksa hidup dalam realiti aku sendiri. Supaya dapat aku teruskan perjalanan ini, dan mungkin Insyaallah, aku tidak perlu berjumpa kecewa seperti ini lagi.

Aku selalu fikir yang kasih sayang itu adalah melangkaui batas ruang dan waktu. Tidak perlu katakan jarak beribu-ribu kilometer yang jauh, dalam alam yang berbeza pun, kasih dapat wujud. Buat masa ini, aku masih belum bernasib baik. Bagaimanapun, aku tetap berharap suatu hari nanti aku dapat berjumpa dengan seseorang. Aku berharap supaya perbualan itu mesra dan indah dengan senyumannya. Lebih dari seorang kawan, Aku mahu berkongsi kegembiraan dengannya. Aku berdoa supaya kehidupan untuk dia dan aku adalah bahagia bersama. Biarpun waktu menjadi sukar, aku berdoa supaya ketabahan bersama kami berdua. Pengembaraan adalah sesuatu yang menarik dan aku berharap dapat memegang tangannya. Walaupun tidak dapat dilihat mata, aku harap dia tahu di mana hati aku, yang mana adalah sentiasa untuk dirinya.

selamat kembali

Aku tak tahu kenapa aku masih menaip dalam laman ini, bukan adanya orang baca, bukan adanya orang peduli. Dunia sekarang terlalu sibuk, terlalu banyak maklumat yang melintas sana sini, banyak perkara yang jauh lebih menarik atau mengujakan untuk dialami.

Tapi, nak tak nak, terasa klasik juga sebenarnya ada laman blog ni. Dia dapat kesan balik kehidupan aku kira-kira enam tahun kebelakang. Bukan ada saper peduli pun. Tapi catatan itu wujud. Dan boleh dinilai juga, pelbagai bentuk tulisan yang cuba 'dieksperimentasikan'. Kalau kita bukan dalam era digital, pemikiran sarat ini pastinya dalam 'scrap book'. sama seperti 'doodles' yang aku lukis dan masih lukis. Sedihnya, aku bukan insan yang gembira. Banyak post dalam kategori 'melancholy and infinite sadness'.

Nak kata aku teruk sangat, tidak kot, walaupun aku ada detik-detik HITAM yang aku cuba padam dalam memori kepala otak ini. Jalan hidup adalah secara terus dan sesekali boleh pandang ke belakang. Biarpun tahap kecerdasan aku terhad, aku cuba tekun membaca buku-buku seperti 7th habit of highly effective people, tipping point atau buku dari dayle carnagie. .. Ya.. aku tahu, minggu seterusnya aku akan lupa apa aku baca, tapi masa itu terisi juga, agaknya.

Di waktu menaip ini, aku dapat merasakan aura 'sarcasm' dalam diri ini. Haha. Seolah-olah ada dua individu dalam satu roh. Satu akan kata ko akan berjaya, satu lagi akan kata... haha, teruskan bermimpi. Dua mode ini agaknya yang membuat profailing individu aku agak kelam-kabut. Bagi rakan-rakan, mereka akan dapat nampak seorang 'stand up comedian' tanpa khalayak. Tapi dalam satu sudut kecil, ada satu jiwa yang dahagakan makna intelektual. Bolehkah kedua-dua persona ini wujud serentak?

Aku mahu berikan jawapan tetapi sayangnya, dan kasihnya, aku cuma nampak terowong gelap yang hanya membawa kepada 'oblivion' (ok, secara serius, aku tak tahu maksud perkataan itu secara kamus tapi rasanya ia bermakna, kekosongan hakiki, sekali lagi, agaknya) Mungkin, jika kita lakukan ' a study in scarlet'. Titik-titik kehancuran ini dapat disambung untuk dilihat daripada mana puncanya? di manakah budak periang itu telah pergi, bagaimanakah lelaki yang bertanggungjawab itu tidak hadir dan adakah dia tidak akan mati tua di rumah kebajikan masyarakat.

Aku patut pilih jalan hidup sebagai penulis fiksyen. aku sepatutnya reka cerita seperti pelarian dari planet logam, pergolakan di pulau beruk kera atau pun pengalaman berbasikal ke artik. Kegembiraan wujud dalam sisi itu. Tambah sikit nilai-nilai moral dan robekkan satu dua emosi, ia boleh jadi hidangan bacaan yang lazat. Mahukah anda membacanya? muahahahaha... (bang! terdengar satu bunyi tembakan dan sebuah kepala rebah di atas komputer, penuh dengan darah)

Damn!

i was told by a friend that i've a short span memory. She told me it is a good thing since i will having difficulties in remembering all those misery and nightmares. I try to think that she is right, I do have that kind of condition. But the thing is, i don't totally forget. Memories doesn't simply erased by itself. I just kept on with the living until the VISIT.

Aha, what is the so called VISIT. Well, it is something that i refer on difficult situation where suddenly i felt like exploding. Mostly, the symptom comes with tiredness until it mutates to became hatred to my own self. I hate the little sparks, the thing which is fragment of memories that bring me down to shit hole. Sometimes it's like driving meself into insanity.

How do i get by with it? ciggarates, lots of ciggarates. A bed with a blanket does help too. and for the dark moment, i let myself become nothing. total emptiness. a moment of silent for the wound that have been keep all this while. A purpose could help also, as long, it's not about me. I hate to think about myself. I know how stupid it sound. It just, i feel tired about me. Let's have more about you and everbody.

Cheerssss

The Great Damnation

Now, if manage to get a 'friend' to dine with me, something which is a 'date', i don't think i'll be able to write anything on this blog. I would be busy, occupied with so many activities. i would spend hours chatting around about how the world goes around, and if the friend is someone special, i would be gazing about how beautiful she is. It may happen in another life but not for the time being. Coz Life suck! Damn suck! Serious fucking suck!

Significant by Pop Culture

In my younger days, i always have question for everything. Despite the insignificant, i point out any possibilities and try to have my own judgement. I try to predict the future as a creature from the past. The world, as in my mind, have a projectory of many glory and marvelous feature. It all seems joy, until i found the very pitch black, deep in my heart.

The kid in me is dead, i presumed. All the adventure that i have try to seek have meet the end before it can barely started. I can only blame myself for this scrunity. I don't know whether it have jeopardise the world order by being a dirtbag like this. But again, the country GDP is surely affected it all the human being is trap in this anarchy sloath prison.

You know that you are suck if you find yourself often to glorify the past. I even might say i have a better english communication during my previous role as a student. In this kind of situation, i like to go back to my hiding place, i don't care whether it is under the bed, up on the tree, third floor corridor, quiet library or a peaceful lake. I wish to be left alone. All the thing that is matter should be in order with logic and faith.

If I can make this argument all with myself, I surely know I can find out a way to get out from it. An act of honesty is hard to be judged, if you put in on five dimension kinda thinking. However, in the end, like what the nike ad said, Just Do It, and if that is not enough, Adidas ad will always remind that Impossible is Nothing.

-done, fin, let's go back to work