selamat kembali

Aku tak tahu kenapa aku masih menaip dalam laman ini, bukan adanya orang baca, bukan adanya orang peduli. Dunia sekarang terlalu sibuk, terlalu banyak maklumat yang melintas sana sini, banyak perkara yang jauh lebih menarik atau mengujakan untuk dialami.

Tapi, nak tak nak, terasa klasik juga sebenarnya ada laman blog ni. Dia dapat kesan balik kehidupan aku kira-kira enam tahun kebelakang. Bukan ada saper peduli pun. Tapi catatan itu wujud. Dan boleh dinilai juga, pelbagai bentuk tulisan yang cuba 'dieksperimentasikan'. Kalau kita bukan dalam era digital, pemikiran sarat ini pastinya dalam 'scrap book'. sama seperti 'doodles' yang aku lukis dan masih lukis. Sedihnya, aku bukan insan yang gembira. Banyak post dalam kategori 'melancholy and infinite sadness'.

Nak kata aku teruk sangat, tidak kot, walaupun aku ada detik-detik HITAM yang aku cuba padam dalam memori kepala otak ini. Jalan hidup adalah secara terus dan sesekali boleh pandang ke belakang. Biarpun tahap kecerdasan aku terhad, aku cuba tekun membaca buku-buku seperti 7th habit of highly effective people, tipping point atau buku dari dayle carnagie. .. Ya.. aku tahu, minggu seterusnya aku akan lupa apa aku baca, tapi masa itu terisi juga, agaknya.

Di waktu menaip ini, aku dapat merasakan aura 'sarcasm' dalam diri ini. Haha. Seolah-olah ada dua individu dalam satu roh. Satu akan kata ko akan berjaya, satu lagi akan kata... haha, teruskan bermimpi. Dua mode ini agaknya yang membuat profailing individu aku agak kelam-kabut. Bagi rakan-rakan, mereka akan dapat nampak seorang 'stand up comedian' tanpa khalayak. Tapi dalam satu sudut kecil, ada satu jiwa yang dahagakan makna intelektual. Bolehkah kedua-dua persona ini wujud serentak?

Aku mahu berikan jawapan tetapi sayangnya, dan kasihnya, aku cuma nampak terowong gelap yang hanya membawa kepada 'oblivion' (ok, secara serius, aku tak tahu maksud perkataan itu secara kamus tapi rasanya ia bermakna, kekosongan hakiki, sekali lagi, agaknya) Mungkin, jika kita lakukan ' a study in scarlet'. Titik-titik kehancuran ini dapat disambung untuk dilihat daripada mana puncanya? di manakah budak periang itu telah pergi, bagaimanakah lelaki yang bertanggungjawab itu tidak hadir dan adakah dia tidak akan mati tua di rumah kebajikan masyarakat.

Aku patut pilih jalan hidup sebagai penulis fiksyen. aku sepatutnya reka cerita seperti pelarian dari planet logam, pergolakan di pulau beruk kera atau pun pengalaman berbasikal ke artik. Kegembiraan wujud dalam sisi itu. Tambah sikit nilai-nilai moral dan robekkan satu dua emosi, ia boleh jadi hidangan bacaan yang lazat. Mahukah anda membacanya? muahahahaha... (bang! terdengar satu bunyi tembakan dan sebuah kepala rebah di atas komputer, penuh dengan darah)

Damn!

i was told by a friend that i've a short span memory. She told me it is a good thing since i will having difficulties in remembering all those misery and nightmares. I try to think that she is right, I do have that kind of condition. But the thing is, i don't totally forget. Memories doesn't simply erased by itself. I just kept on with the living until the VISIT.

Aha, what is the so called VISIT. Well, it is something that i refer on difficult situation where suddenly i felt like exploding. Mostly, the symptom comes with tiredness until it mutates to became hatred to my own self. I hate the little sparks, the thing which is fragment of memories that bring me down to shit hole. Sometimes it's like driving meself into insanity.

How do i get by with it? ciggarates, lots of ciggarates. A bed with a blanket does help too. and for the dark moment, i let myself become nothing. total emptiness. a moment of silent for the wound that have been keep all this while. A purpose could help also, as long, it's not about me. I hate to think about myself. I know how stupid it sound. It just, i feel tired about me. Let's have more about you and everbody.

Cheerssss

The Great Damnation

Now, if manage to get a 'friend' to dine with me, something which is a 'date', i don't think i'll be able to write anything on this blog. I would be busy, occupied with so many activities. i would spend hours chatting around about how the world goes around, and if the friend is someone special, i would be gazing about how beautiful she is. It may happen in another life but not for the time being. Coz Life suck! Damn suck! Serious fucking suck!

Significant by Pop Culture

In my younger days, i always have question for everything. Despite the insignificant, i point out any possibilities and try to have my own judgement. I try to predict the future as a creature from the past. The world, as in my mind, have a projectory of many glory and marvelous feature. It all seems joy, until i found the very pitch black, deep in my heart.

The kid in me is dead, i presumed. All the adventure that i have try to seek have meet the end before it can barely started. I can only blame myself for this scrunity. I don't know whether it have jeopardise the world order by being a dirtbag like this. But again, the country GDP is surely affected it all the human being is trap in this anarchy sloath prison.

You know that you are suck if you find yourself often to glorify the past. I even might say i have a better english communication during my previous role as a student. In this kind of situation, i like to go back to my hiding place, i don't care whether it is under the bed, up on the tree, third floor corridor, quiet library or a peaceful lake. I wish to be left alone. All the thing that is matter should be in order with logic and faith.

If I can make this argument all with myself, I surely know I can find out a way to get out from it. An act of honesty is hard to be judged, if you put in on five dimension kinda thinking. However, in the end, like what the nike ad said, Just Do It, and if that is not enough, Adidas ad will always remind that Impossible is Nothing.

-done, fin, let's go back to work