looking for sunrise

I sensed that there's a slight possibilities I might died because of lung cancer. It has been many nights I've been coughing before I can go to sleep. Strangely, the cough didn't happen during the day, it only bothers me before the sleep. I know the reason for all this, it must be because of the smoking. However, here I am, a living proof of a chain smoker. Soon, I might be a dead proof.

One of my friend ask me why I keep on smoking. Actually there's a lot of answer for his question but I tell him one thing, I just didn't know how to stop something I've started. It just stuck and become a part of me. My family knows about it and I've been given health dan financial lectures. Most of the time, i just silence myself, but you know me, a rebel inside.

Anyhow, i'm taking this opportunity (because i'm still alive) to appologize to anyone I've hurt before. I know that all the people around me says that I live in my own stupid world, but the thing is, all I really want is for them and all my friends and families to be happy. I never meant to make you all sad.

I would also want to take this chance to say that I'm not a bitter or a cynical person. I'm actually someone who is still learning. I don't have the answer for all the question and it does frustated me. Usually, i put the question in art form and it become even more sick or maybe, too abstract. I try not to think about it but ignorance is not a fucking bliss. Where I like it or not, I'm living in it and I'm really sorry about it.

I can't tell whether I'm really going to become a smoker forever. I do appreciate life and I'm trying hard to do good changes bit by bit. One thing I can tell you, changes didn't happen instally. It's something like staring at sunrise. Without you even really notice it, the darkness has gone and you find yourself under the sun.

me dad

Honestly, in all my life this while, I never really had a father and son conversation.. until recently. All this time, the conversation between me and me dad, it's more about studying hard and save money properly. I never really know how's his young days are and he doesn't share his adventures with me. In easy way of saying it, he doesn't resemble the cool dad hanging out with his kids like what you watch in the movies. Hmm.. I don't know if I turn out like what he had imagined, but then, I think I turn out alright although not a big shot millionaire like Tajudin Ramli (during his prime time) and Daim Zainuddin. The thing is, he had encourage me to become guys like that even from my primary school days.

I could say that my dad is someone who is quite conservative. That value have been applied in the family and that is the reason why I always have that moral conscious ringing in my head. I remember that one of my sister have ask his permision to become a stewardess or maybe a secretary. Off course, that request had been denied. Now she's a teacher with three kids. Me? well he maybe doesn't really know what 'mass comm world' is all about. Heck, even I don't know what mass comm is when i apply it.

Now, i've been observing. Sometimes I just can't figured out how my mom was attracted to my dad. I know this topic somehow resembles Back To The Future Trilogy but it's true. My mom, if i could describe it, she's somehow belongs to the popular group. I noticed that womans always surrounds her and want to have conversation. My dad, in the other hand, is someone who can be really quiet in the crowd although he seems eager to join in. This is quite odd i presumed.

Now, back at the topic of the father and son conversation, I had it while I'm driving the car and he's sitting beside me. At that time, we are on the way back from a 'BIG' family reunion. In that function, I've been told about how influential and famous (not rich) my late great grandfather was from my uncles, cousins and how do say 'datuk sedara' in english. The thing is, i feel it isn't fair that I know all about my great grandfather but I didn't know a thing about my late grandfather and my father himself.

I urged my father to tell me about his life back then. My father didn't show any emotion but the story is quite sad. He tells me that my grandfather passed away when he was just seventeen years old. He's the eldest son and below him is two of my auntie and my uncle. All together, he must take care of five people including my grandmother and his older sister. Taking care of the family is hard enough already but what is more complicated is that my grandfather didn't left them a house.

My grandad is very 'warak' and he is a khalifah for a tariqat. because of this lifestyle, he prefers that his family to stays at the madrasah. my father explain, is not that my grandad didn't want to build a house but the project was delayed because of the japanese occupation and he died without abbling to finish it. Now here's the part where i also feel angry. After my grandad had passes away, the villagers and some of relatives were bitching to my dad about how his family didn't have a house and had to 'tumpang' the madrasah. They say things like where are my aunties are going to get married if they just kept on staying at the madrasah.

My dad, off course was furious with all those rubbish statement. How does he react? He do feel low but he determined to build a house for the family. And so, he work hard and save as much money as he can. He's not a university graduate and earn monthly maybe RM200 at that time. He's also not a businessman but he's very disciplined in saving all the money he got. He builds part by part starting from main pillar, to roof and to walls. He couldn't afford to built it straight away, because of the financial problem, and so the project was delayed from time to time but it finished and my dad finally have a house for his family.

Now, the funny twist in this life sees that none of my aunties married at that house and nobody of the family really stayed. They all move on out from the village with their new life, including my dad, but he somehow managed to prove to the villagers that the family have their house and all those fucking people that have been bitching should shut their fucking mouth.

I now realized, that what my mother had seen in my dad is his determination. He maybe just a low rank goverment servant but he managed to save money to own some properties. My family is still not very rich or glamourous as other people are, but my dad really have a good character inside him. He puts his family first before him and he determined to make sure all of him siblings and his daughters and sons have their education. His strength maybe is his weakness also, but that is what makes him the person today. woooorghhh, suddenly i'm feeling goosebum, my dad in fact, is a cool guy. what i can say more, i'm his son anyway.

bawah rembulan

Anehnya malam, kau memang tidak pernah berlengah untuk aku. Kau sentiasa laju meninggalkan diri ini terpinga-pinga. Kau menarik ke langit tinggi namun sengaja membiarkan siang tiba-tiba jatuh terhempas. Kau tahu ruang ini sempit bukan, tapi kau tidak pernah mahu membukanya. Kebisuan kau yang sering menjadi tanda tanya, akhirnya membuat aku jemu. Pernahkah kau melihat aku lena tanpa memikirkannya. Dengan silap mata, kau mungkin cuba mententeramkan semua. Kau berikan janji yang akhirnya menyaksikan aku pula mungkiri. Aku tahu kau tersenyum kecil melihat betapa bodohnya manusia ini. Sisa yang tidak pernah terkutip, yang tidak pernah terbuang. Kerana itu, aku rayu padamu malam, buaikan aku lembut. Selimuti aku dengan kasih agar aku tidak rasa hancur lagi.