looking for sunrise

I sensed that there's a slight possibilities I might died because of lung cancer. It has been many nights I've been coughing before I can go to sleep. Strangely, the cough didn't happen during the day, it only bothers me before the sleep. I know the reason for all this, it must be because of the smoking. However, here I am, a living proof of a chain smoker. Soon, I might be a dead proof.

One of my friend ask me why I keep on smoking. Actually there's a lot of answer for his question but I tell him one thing, I just didn't know how to stop something I've started. It just stuck and become a part of me. My family knows about it and I've been given health dan financial lectures. Most of the time, i just silence myself, but you know me, a rebel inside.

Anyhow, i'm taking this opportunity (because i'm still alive) to appologize to anyone I've hurt before. I know that all the people around me says that I live in my own stupid world, but the thing is, all I really want is for them and all my friends and families to be happy. I never meant to make you all sad.

I would also want to take this chance to say that I'm not a bitter or a cynical person. I'm actually someone who is still learning. I don't have the answer for all the question and it does frustated me. Usually, i put the question in art form and it become even more sick or maybe, too abstract. I try not to think about it but ignorance is not a fucking bliss. Where I like it or not, I'm living in it and I'm really sorry about it.

I can't tell whether I'm really going to become a smoker forever. I do appreciate life and I'm trying hard to do good changes bit by bit. One thing I can tell you, changes didn't happen instally. It's something like staring at sunrise. Without you even really notice it, the darkness has gone and you find yourself under the sun.