selepas kemusnahan

Kemas bilik akhirnya semalam. Keadaan dah sampai bersawang dengan barang-barang bergelimpangan. Sehubungan itu, hampagas diaktifkan bagi menyedut segala kotoran. Kain buruk turut diaplikasikan bagi ruang yang degil. Tenang rasanya juga bila kipas tidak lagi berabuk. Rak buku dan cd disusun tegak kembali. Sampah-sampah dimasukkan dan diikat dalam plastik. Baju seluar kotor dicampak ke dalam mesin basuh dan diputarkan. Penyangkut baju juga dikutip dan diletakkan kembali ke dalam almari kain.

Radio yang dibeli dengan gaji pertama itu menyanyikan lagu, sedikit sebanyak ia memecahkan kesunyian. Terfikir untuk berlari tetapi sudah terlalu malas. Aku membaringkan diri pada tilam yang tebal hanya seinci. Melihat siling, aku terkenang bulan dan bintang disebaliknya.

Yuko and Hiro

by Blur from their The Great Escape album


This is my work place
And these are the people I work with
Yuko and Hiro
We work together
We work for the company
That works to the future
We work hard to please them
They will protect us

I never see you
We're never together
I'll love you forever

I drink in the evening
It helps with relaxing
I can't sleep without drinking
We drink together
From monday to saturday
I go to my workplace
But on sunday we are together
Yuko and hiro

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

*Don't ask me about what this song want to tell, even up until now, I don't know what it really means. but somehow, i find there's something really beautiful in it. Something that makes me play it over and over again. hmmm...

belok kanan jumpa terang

Kerja aku makin melambak kebelakangan ini. Cuti pula merupakan ruang masa yang panjang lagi membosankan. Aku mula berasa tubuh aku ini kebas dengan roh makin kekeringan. Dalam banyak waktu, aku mengambil kopi dan menghisap rokok sebatang demi sebatang. Masa tidak mungkin berhenti untuk itu, sebaliknya aku mula ketinggalan. Senang kata, sebagaimana sering mendungnya Johor Bahru, begitulah keadaan aku. Bukan marah. Bukan sedih. Bukan juga gembira. Cuma kau akan melihat sepasang mata kuyu merenung bawah dengan dua tangan tersimpan dalam kocek.

Aku mungkin sebenarnya sudah terlalu biasa dengan kehidupan seperti ini. Masih lagi aku ingat bagaimana ketika di tingkatan satu, aku akan selalu memanjat tingkap untuk duduk di bahagian luar koridor tingkat tiga bangunan asrama. Seorang diri, aku merenung matahari terbenam dengan memikirkan kenapa budak-budak seusia aku begitu kejam. Aku mahu berada dalam kegembiraan bukannya dalam pergelutan. Sejak itu, dunia tidak lagi seperti mana aku pernah sangka dan ia berterusan sehingga kini. Aku tidak simpan dendam tetapi kegirangan bukanlah diri aku sepenuhnya lagi. Banyak bahagian dalam diri ini aku sembunyikan. Sesekali aku bersuara dan mereka tertawakan aku. Tiada dendam, aku sengaja melakukannya supaya aku tahu aku masih wujud.

Bukannya aku hendak mengenepikan rahmat-rahmat yang pernah membelai tubuh kurus ini, namun banyak waktu, aku tertangguh dalam persimpangan. Kompas aku sering bergantung pada nasib. Namun dalam usia dewasa ini, aku bagai merasakan jarum kompas itu berpusing gila ke semua arah. Tiada ketentuan. Aku terlalu takut untuk menghentikan jarum itu kerana nasib aku terletak padanya. Akhirnya aku menutup kompas itu. Oleh kerana ketentuan itu belum tiada, aku memutuskan untuk ingin melihat sejauh mana nasib nyawa ini.

Dengan tidak meletakkan pertaruhan tinggi, aku menyimpan harapan kecil dalam hati dua separa bulat tepat ini. Aku bukannya seorang pejudi yang baik. Sering sahaja aku melihat not-not seringgit aku berterbangan dengan kepaknya. hampeh betul. Tapi dalam banyak waktu, aku mengintai harapan aku itu, girang sebentar rasanya sebelum kembali ke realiti. Bumi bulat ini tidak pernah sunyi daripada kejutan namun ia sentiasa kembali kepada kenangan dan harapan yang membuat aku rasa manusia kembali.

the rainbow connection

by kermit the frog


Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

back here

the situation is always the same,
finding myself in a place where i can't speak,
complete numbness,
i let my fingers to take a walk,
while my ears are busy capturing complicated noises,
my eyes are easily distracted by colors,
they say colors brings life,
well i do see the colors in them,
i just don't know what color i am,
should it be what is supposed to be,
or there's no trully an answer for it,
Am i predictable for this?
in tiredness i open my eyes
just to show you i'm still breathing

bubbles

In the times when i can't find words to write, i just draw. I could say that this is a mental image of what I am thinking. It's not what I'm living, it's just one of my wishful thinking in colors that are provided by microsoft paint.

conversation with god

In my wildest mind, sometimes i felt it would be much more easier if God can speak directly to us, in what He actually want for us. In a way, if i could describe it, i would like a conversation. If not God, maybe an angel would be nice. I picture it like a meeting between a client with a financial planner. Yupp, that would be great. The reason i ask for this is because when you become older, you do felt the presence of Lucifer. I do know the reason why the devil are here is because of the plot in destroying human being, but they are kinda cool in another way of seeing it. But nothing really last in this world, isn't it. This is what I believe. In so, whether I'm comfortable or not, I don't think God will speak directly. He had given a lot of help already in matter of grace and showing the right path. In the end, it's about making choices, and I do hope I will make a good one. Good night and sweet dreams.