putus asa- the dark time

If there is anyone reading this blog, surely he or she knows how dark the journey that this writer is going through. I'm actually 30 years old but there is nothing I actually achieved. I play a small part in this big world, i make no differences and little by little, i felt like being left out. There's is no longer the burning strive of a youth. just and old man who sit down silently, and questions playing in his head.

I try to be strong, but because changes is constant, this little island which i am, is slowly vaporised. Sometimes i do think about leaving this place, an old town, called Muar. Quit my job and start someting new. Make a new pattern. Craft an artwork. Straightaining everything that is narrow and winding.

Could i be that person? because the damage is actually at the core. This dark surrounding is all over my office and my house also. Is it because I envy all my friends and family, with all that they achieved? ( i blame the facebook, and how interactive this big world has been) Is it because I'm a dissapointing mess that regret is all over, again and again? through my life, i always think myself as a traveler, i never really settle down, at anywhere, and it's eating me inside out.

I miss being in a crowd. Although, most of the part, i'm just being invisible, but it does felt like i'm living in something. These day, i got to psyched myself almost everyday, and everytime, just to say 'it's going to be fine'. I've started smoking again. It is something i'm not proud of but everybody has their own demon. and ciggaratte is mine.

Beside my family, I don't have anyone to love, and it's kinda suck, because i felt that the future which i supposed to build with someone, is stuck at somewhere. Here is the reality, i'm single and i'm miserable. and to make matter worst, i don't have any friends which i can enjoy my life. My social life is empty, and there is no positive hobby i can work into. Even in my vacation, i'm still this asshole.

Maybe, it's because it's been three years over here, and everything starts to falling apart. My core, which is the motivation i rely all this time, is depleting and i even find out that reading books is boring. I need help. but I don't know how. If there's anyone reading this blog, i surely know the advise that are going to give. Either accept the reality, be patient and make the best of it or pack the bag and leave. time will tell, i hope so. or there is other saying, i wonder.

the question in the morning

lately, in every morning i wake up, there is a certain fear. i don't know what it is. It takes the time before i get out of the bed and have a bath. that period of emptiness, somehow govern me that everything is pitch black. Maybe it's true, it's frustation. But to have it over and over again, for days, weeks and months, makes me feel week and useless.

Somehow, i don't know how end this circle. Like a big sloath that has been eating me inside, i'm afraid of the outside world. I'm afraid of what tomorow will bring to me. The future seems so alien, i take myself as a rock, buried down in the deep ocean floor. i want to cry, but what for, the tears is all around and drowning me. I'm too sad to fake a smile. I'm too damaged.

I couldn't float without the gravity pulling down. The fact is nobody can float in the air. However, that is who i am. Someone who wants to challenge the rule because of the unhappiness around. There were time where i could just run, and let the sweat with the short breath, help me to feel alive. But what for. I'm doubting all answer, and i'm even doubting all question.

This person, who i am right now, is the same person i've known for along thing. it's my mr. hyde. irrensponsible, ugly and a menace. Maybe i should kill him, but i couldn't kill myself. Living in irony is hard. I prefer something that is plain and simple. But the reality is far beyond what we can imagine, and the future is big question of unknown. Without even realizing it, i think i just open a pandora box. Now, the biggest task, how to shut it back, forever.

limbo

bosan dengan facebook? serangga itu sedang mengigit aku. sebagaimana china yang sebelum ini dengan dasar pintu tertutup, atau jepun di waktu tokugawa shogunate, aku kian melabuhkan tirai. seperti mengucapkan selamat malam, sebelum tidur untuk selama-lamanya dan berangkat ke dunia lain. interaksi sosial melalui laman maya menemui tahap tepu, bagi aku. ia bukan lagi dunia baru. ini jadi dunia realiti. dan dunia realiti agak membosankan.

semalam, aku membuka televisyen untuk menonton DVD cetak rompak. baru separuh jalan tengok, DVD tu rosak dan aku terpaksa tengok cerita yang berhenti di pertengahan. Alangkah peritnya. Semua emosi yang terkumpul terpaksa diluahkan dalam keluhan. Kenapa ia menjadi begitu bosan. Untuk hancur di tengah perjalanan adalah amat menyedihkan.

Malam itu aku tidur dan mengakhirkan hari dengan buku mengenai dunia silam. Aku terlelap dalam cahaya terang. Aku bermimpi berjumpa rakan-rakan lama dan saling bergelak ketawa. Aku bermimpi mengikuti pengembaraan yang tidak pernah difikirkan. Aku mimpi dalam dua lapis mimpi, hingga realiti terpisah begitu jauh. Adakah aku bangun untuk hidup dalam dunia limbo? berterusan tanpa maksud.