putus asa- the dark time

If there is anyone reading this blog, surely he or she knows how dark the journey that this writer is going through. I'm actually 30 years old but there is nothing I actually achieved. I play a small part in this big world, i make no differences and little by little, i felt like being left out. There's is no longer the burning strive of a youth. just and old man who sit down silently, and questions playing in his head.

I try to be strong, but because changes is constant, this little island which i am, is slowly vaporised. Sometimes i do think about leaving this place, an old town, called Muar. Quit my job and start someting new. Make a new pattern. Craft an artwork. Straightaining everything that is narrow and winding.

Could i be that person? because the damage is actually at the core. This dark surrounding is all over my office and my house also. Is it because I envy all my friends and family, with all that they achieved? ( i blame the facebook, and how interactive this big world has been) Is it because I'm a dissapointing mess that regret is all over, again and again? through my life, i always think myself as a traveler, i never really settle down, at anywhere, and it's eating me inside out.

I miss being in a crowd. Although, most of the part, i'm just being invisible, but it does felt like i'm living in something. These day, i got to psyched myself almost everyday, and everytime, just to say 'it's going to be fine'. I've started smoking again. It is something i'm not proud of but everybody has their own demon. and ciggaratte is mine.

Beside my family, I don't have anyone to love, and it's kinda suck, because i felt that the future which i supposed to build with someone, is stuck at somewhere. Here is the reality, i'm single and i'm miserable. and to make matter worst, i don't have any friends which i can enjoy my life. My social life is empty, and there is no positive hobby i can work into. Even in my vacation, i'm still this asshole.

Maybe, it's because it's been three years over here, and everything starts to falling apart. My core, which is the motivation i rely all this time, is depleting and i even find out that reading books is boring. I need help. but I don't know how. If there's anyone reading this blog, i surely know the advise that are going to give. Either accept the reality, be patient and make the best of it or pack the bag and leave. time will tell, i hope so. or there is other saying, i wonder.