this is a going to be a long one

yo blog, wassup, watcha doin, sorry for disturbing you in this middle of late night/ early morning, yeargghh, i know, the lorry that carry today's paper are downstair, i know that all other people are sleeping, but i somehow want to share with you something, i hate what goes in my head, yup, that is what i want to tell.

I am totally disturbed with what goings in my mind. Not to say that i'm crazy or some sort of that but my mind speaks crazy with me lately. To be true, this mind thing has been forever. People arounds me know about it but they didn't say about it. But like one of my friend told me, i'm living in a two different life. I stop that conversation quickly because i didn't want to make that topic goes further. I mean, for surely, he didn't want to hear all those weird theroies i got in my head. And i didn't what the conversation goes about how melancholic and infine sadness my life is.

So, here I am, sorry blog for causing you to carry that burden. It is a good thing that we didn't have an two-way communication. If that does happen, i surelly hope that we chill about it and you don't take it seriously. Come on, all of the people in this world got their own problem. But the things, i don't go to bars where i can say to the bartender, 'this is a going to be a long night'. And another thing is, do i look a person who mediates calmly in the mosque?, because if you realized, i wake up 2.00 pm on last Friday. Yuppp... that's the shit i am. Damn fucking shit.

If i can conclude my life is... i'm someone who picks up anything that had touch my life. I don't know what's really inside me. Off course you heard people that say 'just be yourself' ... what fuck is that, what fuck i am. How can I be myself when I don't know who the fuck I am. You got what I mean blog, or the fact I'm writing this shit just show how self-absorbed I am actually. fuck. fuck. fuck.

I don't know why suddenly I felt very cold. Is it the aircond? or the beatles songs that are being played? or that i'm actually shivering inside. You know what is great right now, a cup of a hot coffee, about ciggarettes, eventually there's one stucking in my mouth.

The thing is blog, maybe my true wish from all this madness is that i want to have a clear mind or another better way of saying, i want to have a clear soul. I want an ability to capture a moment right at that moment. I don't want to be busy doing nothing and finally realized, it is in the past. I want to have a clear mind about my future, my past and my present.

And another thing blog, i wish i don't have to write to this stuff to you blog. Because it's all just what trap inside my mind. I have no intention to share it with others, neither with you. I'm doing fine with my life. Although, i wake up late everyday, i still have my job. I also have hobbies to fill up my time. There's also friends that i can go hangouts. I read books and that surely makes me some sort of knowledgable (yeargh... right, i'm still dumb as primary school student by the fact that i can't found a place which is only 5 km from my office) I guess what we are sharing over here is because i want to be heard and also ignored at the same time. I don't want to burden anybody. I just want to... what we should say.. chill. Yup, that's the word. In certain time, I want to chill.

Life will just goes on. The sun will rise and the moon will also gazes at night. I don't want my head will only goes about my senseless big stupid question. I want to write something what is outside my life (what the fuck, that's what my job is) Not that i'm not proud of what I'm doing, it just I realized that it will take a long time before i can get promoted. I should search something that i could really stick into. Writing fiction I presume. huhuhuhu. Where dreams becomes reality. Yupp, that is what my head is fill with... dreams. and in a way, it does bothers me. owhh.. fuck. here we go again. but then again, let's just chill about it. You do know the thing we talk is just what in my mind :)

tata blog and good morning to you.