Better Together by Jack Johnson

Sejak kebelakangan ini, situasi di Johor adalah antara hujan dan juga banjir. Cuaca sentiasa kuyu, seolah-olah dia melihat kau dengan muka yang tidak bermaya. Keadaan yang berlaku ini jelas sekali membuatkan amat sukar untuk mentari mencelah. Dalam aku duduk merenung langit, ingatan aku berpatah balik kepada seorang teman baikku dulu yang amat menghargai matahari tengahari. Keriangannya itu sentiasa membawa gembira. Bagaimanapun, ketara sekali, ketika itu, aku tidak nampak apa yang dia nampak. Aku gagal untuk melihat makna kehidupan yang dibawa daripada setiap pancaran yang diberikan. Bukan maksud aku untuk menggunakan cuaca sebagai metafora dalam penulisan tapi hendak atau tidak, ia amat mempengaruhi kehidupan. Buat masa ini, setiap kali aku melamun tengok langit cerah, aku akan tersandar untuk melihat keindahannya. Dengan hiasan awan putih berarak gebu, matahari benar-benar merupakan watak utama yang berkesan di sebalik latar langit biru. Ditemani bunyi runut daripada Jack Johnson, aku cuba melihat sejauh mana nasib aku di bawah matahari ini. Nampaknya, ia adalah tetap cerita yang sama seperti dahulu. Aku terpaksa tersenyum pahit kerana aku tahu mengenainya.

looking for sunrise

I sensed that there's a slight possibilities I might died because of lung cancer. It has been many nights I've been coughing before I can go to sleep. Strangely, the cough didn't happen during the day, it only bothers me before the sleep. I know the reason for all this, it must be because of the smoking. However, here I am, a living proof of a chain smoker. Soon, I might be a dead proof.

One of my friend ask me why I keep on smoking. Actually there's a lot of answer for his question but I tell him one thing, I just didn't know how to stop something I've started. It just stuck and become a part of me. My family knows about it and I've been given health dan financial lectures. Most of the time, i just silence myself, but you know me, a rebel inside.

Anyhow, i'm taking this opportunity (because i'm still alive) to appologize to anyone I've hurt before. I know that all the people around me says that I live in my own stupid world, but the thing is, all I really want is for them and all my friends and families to be happy. I never meant to make you all sad.

I would also want to take this chance to say that I'm not a bitter or a cynical person. I'm actually someone who is still learning. I don't have the answer for all the question and it does frustated me. Usually, i put the question in art form and it become even more sick or maybe, too abstract. I try not to think about it but ignorance is not a fucking bliss. Where I like it or not, I'm living in it and I'm really sorry about it.

I can't tell whether I'm really going to become a smoker forever. I do appreciate life and I'm trying hard to do good changes bit by bit. One thing I can tell you, changes didn't happen instally. It's something like staring at sunrise. Without you even really notice it, the darkness has gone and you find yourself under the sun.

me dad

Honestly, in all my life this while, I never really had a father and son conversation.. until recently. All this time, the conversation between me and me dad, it's more about studying hard and save money properly. I never really know how's his young days are and he doesn't share his adventures with me. In easy way of saying it, he doesn't resemble the cool dad hanging out with his kids like what you watch in the movies. Hmm.. I don't know if I turn out like what he had imagined, but then, I think I turn out alright although not a big shot millionaire like Tajudin Ramli (during his prime time) and Daim Zainuddin. The thing is, he had encourage me to become guys like that even from my primary school days.

I could say that my dad is someone who is quite conservative. That value have been applied in the family and that is the reason why I always have that moral conscious ringing in my head. I remember that one of my sister have ask his permision to become a stewardess or maybe a secretary. Off course, that request had been denied. Now she's a teacher with three kids. Me? well he maybe doesn't really know what 'mass comm world' is all about. Heck, even I don't know what mass comm is when i apply it.

Now, i've been observing. Sometimes I just can't figured out how my mom was attracted to my dad. I know this topic somehow resembles Back To The Future Trilogy but it's true. My mom, if i could describe it, she's somehow belongs to the popular group. I noticed that womans always surrounds her and want to have conversation. My dad, in the other hand, is someone who can be really quiet in the crowd although he seems eager to join in. This is quite odd i presumed.

Now, back at the topic of the father and son conversation, I had it while I'm driving the car and he's sitting beside me. At that time, we are on the way back from a 'BIG' family reunion. In that function, I've been told about how influential and famous (not rich) my late great grandfather was from my uncles, cousins and how do say 'datuk sedara' in english. The thing is, i feel it isn't fair that I know all about my great grandfather but I didn't know a thing about my late grandfather and my father himself.

I urged my father to tell me about his life back then. My father didn't show any emotion but the story is quite sad. He tells me that my grandfather passed away when he was just seventeen years old. He's the eldest son and below him is two of my auntie and my uncle. All together, he must take care of five people including my grandmother and his older sister. Taking care of the family is hard enough already but what is more complicated is that my grandfather didn't left them a house.

My grandad is very 'warak' and he is a khalifah for a tariqat. because of this lifestyle, he prefers that his family to stays at the madrasah. my father explain, is not that my grandad didn't want to build a house but the project was delayed because of the japanese occupation and he died without abbling to finish it. Now here's the part where i also feel angry. After my grandad had passes away, the villagers and some of relatives were bitching to my dad about how his family didn't have a house and had to 'tumpang' the madrasah. They say things like where are my aunties are going to get married if they just kept on staying at the madrasah.

My dad, off course was furious with all those rubbish statement. How does he react? He do feel low but he determined to build a house for the family. And so, he work hard and save as much money as he can. He's not a university graduate and earn monthly maybe RM200 at that time. He's also not a businessman but he's very disciplined in saving all the money he got. He builds part by part starting from main pillar, to roof and to walls. He couldn't afford to built it straight away, because of the financial problem, and so the project was delayed from time to time but it finished and my dad finally have a house for his family.

Now, the funny twist in this life sees that none of my aunties married at that house and nobody of the family really stayed. They all move on out from the village with their new life, including my dad, but he somehow managed to prove to the villagers that the family have their house and all those fucking people that have been bitching should shut their fucking mouth.

I now realized, that what my mother had seen in my dad is his determination. He maybe just a low rank goverment servant but he managed to save money to own some properties. My family is still not very rich or glamourous as other people are, but my dad really have a good character inside him. He puts his family first before him and he determined to make sure all of him siblings and his daughters and sons have their education. His strength maybe is his weakness also, but that is what makes him the person today. woooorghhh, suddenly i'm feeling goosebum, my dad in fact, is a cool guy. what i can say more, i'm his son anyway.

bawah rembulan

Anehnya malam, kau memang tidak pernah berlengah untuk aku. Kau sentiasa laju meninggalkan diri ini terpinga-pinga. Kau menarik ke langit tinggi namun sengaja membiarkan siang tiba-tiba jatuh terhempas. Kau tahu ruang ini sempit bukan, tapi kau tidak pernah mahu membukanya. Kebisuan kau yang sering menjadi tanda tanya, akhirnya membuat aku jemu. Pernahkah kau melihat aku lena tanpa memikirkannya. Dengan silap mata, kau mungkin cuba mententeramkan semua. Kau berikan janji yang akhirnya menyaksikan aku pula mungkiri. Aku tahu kau tersenyum kecil melihat betapa bodohnya manusia ini. Sisa yang tidak pernah terkutip, yang tidak pernah terbuang. Kerana itu, aku rayu padamu malam, buaikan aku lembut. Selimuti aku dengan kasih agar aku tidak rasa hancur lagi.

de ej of inersen

Sometimes, when i take a walk around the town, the dream of owning a book-coffee shop surely visit. Operating that kind of business would surely be a big step in my life, even right now, I don't know if I'm really good at it. I know one thing, i'm not that very good at routine. That's the reason why i hated waking up for school. But other than that, i love all the experience that i got from it.

Right now, my company is doing its big shuffles among the staff. The problem is that they like to do it very often. They don't need even a year to transfer someone. It doesn't have any formula, the top guys just shuffle it like we are poker cards. I don't know what is my fate, it's always unpredictable. I wonder if they have bureau at the artic, they also wouldn't hesitate to shuffle mens over there. This shuffle thing is not something to be argued, either you obey or get lost.

Because of this reason, i never let myself too complecent at JB. I'm here as a stranger and forever I will be it. Like many other places in this world, JB does have it excitements but it also have it shits, plus the cost of living is quite high. and another thing, everyone over here just always fancied about Singapore. Therefore, there are no reason why i should be romantic about it. As long as i can do my job, that is who i am.

Do I love my job.. hmmm... that's a though question. I guess a job is always a job. I observe that all of my officemates have their own reason to work at the company. Beside it is something they are really good at, it maybe because of the money for the family. A good wage is hard to earn especially for the semi-profesional like us. I just can't push my luck like my younger days.

The time of dreaming had passed. It's the moment of riding the waves and I must be very careful about it. One mistake and it surely cost a lifetime. I learn about it the hard way, i guess, that's why in these times, you just see me as a cool blooded person. I remember that I can be someone who is really stupid and I really don't want to be in that position again.

In so, what is going to happen next? It seems that is always question and more question. Have I answered it all? I just let the journey tells it. Who knows, maybe one day, i might settle down and open that book-coffee shop. It's a nice dream that i've kept all this time. It doesn't have any politics. And I don't have to think about all those shuffling crap. I just focus on making my customers happy and the bussines runs well. hmmmmm.. I know it's a denial from what i'm living right now, but then, what better things I should think about. Now you tell me.

omay

'sok, bday alang. bc la yasin 4 alang,'

I got that sms from my little sister yesterday. It does make me silence for a while. I think it's nice for her to remind me about it. Although arwah alang is no longer with us, i do feel her presence in the family... and we all, still misses her

talking about it

love is always a good reason. it gives meaning to whatever it touches. It also gives soul throughout any journey you take. In other words, love is not just for poets, it's for everyone.
However, love also have its' nonsenses. I'm not in the mood of stating it here, but you know what i mean if you ever been in love. Most of the time, i told other people that i don't want to think about it, but i lied, a heart is not a rock, and no man is an island.

Talking about the mystery of love, i'm still in the research and development department about it. I'm not talking this matter on subject of adam and eve only, but more of love as a whole. I always like people that are passionate in whatever they are doing. It is because it shows that they have a big heart in them, and that heart is feel with love. One thing i observe, people that are filled with love, doesn't really talk bullshit. They are talking real things but maybe there's a slight problem in circumstances and character department.

Why am i writing this matter? I don't know. I want to talk to someone about it but I don't think there's anybody around me shared that same thinking. It's always me and the wall. But then, the wall doesn't talk back, it just keep on staring. I maybe should talk with the plants more often, at least i know they need some sunshine, water and care. good night and sleep tight.

mengalirnya sungai kopi

Agak sukar rasanya berada di persimpangan, aku tidak dapat memberi nasihat kepada sesiapa pun. Tidak kepada kawan-kawan aku. Tidak juga kepada keluarga aku. Memang banyak orang yang melalui relung kehidupan ini, namun aku hanya dapat melihat sahaja. Mereka membuat keputusan begitu atas apa mereka fikirkan dan siapa pula aku untuk memadai memberitahu, walhal aku sendiri tersangkut dalam pertembungan jalan ini.

Lewat kini, aku banyak mendiamkan diri. Pemikiran aku sarat dengan falsafah yang bila-bila boleh dicampakkan ke tong sampah. Aku tidak mahu terbabit dalam realiti. Ia menyakitkan lagi membosankan. Aku cuma mahu kopi dan sebatang rokok yang menyala. Biarkan aku tenggelam dalam pemikiran, sama ada ia akan terjadi atau tidak.

How Do You Keep The Music Playing

by James Ingram

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?

How do you lose yourself to someone?
And never lose your ways
How do you not run out of new things to say?

And since we're always changing
How can it be the same?
And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart will fall apart

Each time you hear his name
I know the way I feel for you
It's now or never
The more I love the more that i'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever..
Forever...

If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with everyday to make it better as it grows
With any luck, then I suppose
The music never ends

I know the way I feel for you
It's now or never!
(How do you keep the music playing?)
The more I love the more that I'm afraid
(How do you make it last)
That in your eyes I may not see forever
Forever...
(How do you keep the song from fading, keep the song from fading too fast)
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with everyday to make it better as it grows
With any luck, then I suppose
The music never ends

*Despite all the raya mood surrounding, things are not really smooth over here. That's why you see at out of all people, i'm playing James Ingram to smooths thing around. Sometimes i just can't stand songs that makes me wanna kill myself. That's all.

selamat hari raya buat a'wa'k di sana

Kelakar rasanya, apabila aku pulang ke kampung untuk mendapati salah seorang anak saudara aku, humairah, yang berumur empat tahun begitu takut pada aku. Adakah dia mengetahui betapa jauhnya aku berubah? Setiap kali aku cuba mendekatinya, dia akan berlari ke belakang ibu bapanya. Aku pernah cuba memberinya agar-agar, kesudahannya dia berlari menyembunyikan diri dalam almari. Untuk merapatkan diri antara aku dengan dia, aku membeli bunga api di pasar ramadan. Aku tidak tahu sama ada dia masih takut pada aku atau tidak, tapi aku tahu dia begitu bergembira bermain bunga api bersama kakaknya tadi.

*ps : maaf zahir batin dan jaga diri baik-baik

rehab mata pejam

Aku mahu berlari di bawah pelangi. Kemudiannya, aku akan melompat-lompat di atas awan. Pada sang matahari, aku mencubit pipinya. Bagi sang bulan, aku akan mencium dahinya. Aku sedar badai sering kali membawaku terbang berputar-putar namun ku mohon, biarkan aku alami semua keindahan ini. Dengan deru ombak membisik pada telinga, aku rela tubuhku terbenam dalam pasiran pantai. Gantungkan sahaja aku di rimbunan pohon, asalkan kicau burung menemani. Tangan aku sudah terlalu lama ingin mengenggam dan memeluknya erat. Ribut salji mungkin telah membekukan jasad ini, namun harumnya masih dapat ku cium.

selamat berbuka puasa ;)

Aku masih ingat lagi betapa jakunnya aku semasa berbuka puasa pertama kali di sebuah hotel. Sebagaimana anak luar bandar lain yang tidak berapa mengenali kehidupan metropolitan, aku terkejut dengan apa aku jumpa. Terima kasih kepada boss aku ketika itu, aku mula kenal camaner orang bandaraya berbuka puasa secara buffet kat hotel. Pada ketika itu, perkara pertama yang aku terfikir 'banyak betul makanan!!!' Memang masa tu aku lupa dunia. Aku makan dan makan tanpa henti. Habis saja satu pinggan, aku sambung lagi dan terus makan dan makan lagi.

Sekarang ini, aku sudah bosan semua itu. Ia hanya makanan, tidak lebih dari itu. Melainkan kawan-kawan aku ajak, baru aku pergi, kalau tidak, aku lebih selesa berbuka dengan sedikit juadah di bazar ramadan yang aku tapau. kalau di pejabat, aku mungkin akan berbuka kat mamak jer. Melainkan mungkin, kerana tugasan, aku akan berbuka di hotel.

Teori aku tentang semua ini, aku sudah letih dengan syurga yang dunia cuba wujudkan. Bagi aku sama sahaja semua, asalkan perut berisi. Aku dulu pernah juga berbuka kuih jer kat tembok tepi jalan. Dan aku juga pernah buat muka tembok berbuka bubur lambok kat surau. (ahli kariah mesti pelik tengok anak sapar ni) Secara kasarnya, sama sahaja kesudahannya, perut kenyang juga. Aku tidak meminta lebih. Cukup sekadar mencukupi.

MENGHARAPKAN MESIN BASUH

APa yaNg teRSEmbuNYi di SebALik rIAk wAjahNya iTu? adaKAH akU terLalu rINGkas unTUk meMahAMi kATa-katAnYa dAHUlu? aKU meMaNG meLIhaTnya, AkU MenDenGArnYA jUga, bILa diFIKIrkan SemUa inI, mUnGKin aKU SEpaTUtnya diLAhirKAn sEBagai mEsIN bAsUH, sUPaya Dia daPAT beRAda di DAlam diRIku dan BeRPutar-pUtaR hinGGA dia TenaNG. aKU tIDak Mahu dIA terCedEra seKIRanyA meLANggar SeSUatu di lUar. biaR sAhaja diA berpUTAR di DaLAm mEsin BAsuH inI, oH Ya, aKU lEtaK sABun bANYak-BAnYaK, bAGI berBUIh-bUiH, akU tIdak KiSAh saMA aDA diA mahU mEnanGIS, keTAwa, meNJerit, aKU aKAN meMEluKNya eRAt. bILA dia suDAH pENat bERpuTAr, dAn tEnANg, pENutup Itu diBUka dan Dia bEbAS ke Mana-mANA geMBira. meNArik BuKan, kaLAU akU inI meSIN baSUh. nAMun AkU bUKan, aKU hAnYA seORang PeNULis yANG sEdAng mEMikiRKan sESuaTU. aKU maSIh tiDak taHU soALAnnya, nAMun AkU aKAn meNJawabnYA wAlaUPun sAlaH.

glimpse of joyness

As I am about to start writing this blog around 9.00 pm, i suddenly felt hungry and went to Mamak instead. But i can't continue it back after I finish my dinner. This is because an information come out about a three year old boy who lost from his home are being taken care at a police station. At that time, it was past my working hours but I felt maybe i should lend my help in this matter. (which with my boss ordering it also). With a news coverage, it should be more resourceful for the parents to find their lost kid. I take my car although i don't know the exact location of the police station. I arrive late, but just in the right time to watch the 'miracle spontaneous moment'. The parent of that kid arrive at the same time with me. In so, i did saw how joyful the parents are when being reunited with their beloved son after he was lost from home for almost 8 hours. Off course I didn't cry, i was cursing my hand for keep on shaking while taking pictures of them together. (maybe it's because of the caffeine or maybe the nacontine) But the thing is, i feel happy to share their joy. I hope others kids that are lost right now, can be reunited back with their parents, especially Nurin Jazlin Jazimin, who is only 8 years old. As for me, the story of my life today shows that there's miracle in this world. It is enough to make me feel relief. But I just don't know how much luck we can get from it. For the time being, i guess we just got to hold on with our faith.

selepas kemusnahan

Kemas bilik akhirnya semalam. Keadaan dah sampai bersawang dengan barang-barang bergelimpangan. Sehubungan itu, hampagas diaktifkan bagi menyedut segala kotoran. Kain buruk turut diaplikasikan bagi ruang yang degil. Tenang rasanya juga bila kipas tidak lagi berabuk. Rak buku dan cd disusun tegak kembali. Sampah-sampah dimasukkan dan diikat dalam plastik. Baju seluar kotor dicampak ke dalam mesin basuh dan diputarkan. Penyangkut baju juga dikutip dan diletakkan kembali ke dalam almari kain.

Radio yang dibeli dengan gaji pertama itu menyanyikan lagu, sedikit sebanyak ia memecahkan kesunyian. Terfikir untuk berlari tetapi sudah terlalu malas. Aku membaringkan diri pada tilam yang tebal hanya seinci. Melihat siling, aku terkenang bulan dan bintang disebaliknya.

Yuko and Hiro

by Blur from their The Great Escape album


This is my work place
And these are the people I work with
Yuko and Hiro
We work together
We work for the company
That works to the future
We work hard to please them
They will protect us

I never see you
We're never together
I'll love you forever

I drink in the evening
It helps with relaxing
I can't sleep without drinking
We drink together
From monday to saturday
I go to my workplace
But on sunday we are together
Yuko and hiro

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

I never see you, I never see you
We're never together, we're never together
I love you forever

*Don't ask me about what this song want to tell, even up until now, I don't know what it really means. but somehow, i find there's something really beautiful in it. Something that makes me play it over and over again. hmmm...

belok kanan jumpa terang

Kerja aku makin melambak kebelakangan ini. Cuti pula merupakan ruang masa yang panjang lagi membosankan. Aku mula berasa tubuh aku ini kebas dengan roh makin kekeringan. Dalam banyak waktu, aku mengambil kopi dan menghisap rokok sebatang demi sebatang. Masa tidak mungkin berhenti untuk itu, sebaliknya aku mula ketinggalan. Senang kata, sebagaimana sering mendungnya Johor Bahru, begitulah keadaan aku. Bukan marah. Bukan sedih. Bukan juga gembira. Cuma kau akan melihat sepasang mata kuyu merenung bawah dengan dua tangan tersimpan dalam kocek.

Aku mungkin sebenarnya sudah terlalu biasa dengan kehidupan seperti ini. Masih lagi aku ingat bagaimana ketika di tingkatan satu, aku akan selalu memanjat tingkap untuk duduk di bahagian luar koridor tingkat tiga bangunan asrama. Seorang diri, aku merenung matahari terbenam dengan memikirkan kenapa budak-budak seusia aku begitu kejam. Aku mahu berada dalam kegembiraan bukannya dalam pergelutan. Sejak itu, dunia tidak lagi seperti mana aku pernah sangka dan ia berterusan sehingga kini. Aku tidak simpan dendam tetapi kegirangan bukanlah diri aku sepenuhnya lagi. Banyak bahagian dalam diri ini aku sembunyikan. Sesekali aku bersuara dan mereka tertawakan aku. Tiada dendam, aku sengaja melakukannya supaya aku tahu aku masih wujud.

Bukannya aku hendak mengenepikan rahmat-rahmat yang pernah membelai tubuh kurus ini, namun banyak waktu, aku tertangguh dalam persimpangan. Kompas aku sering bergantung pada nasib. Namun dalam usia dewasa ini, aku bagai merasakan jarum kompas itu berpusing gila ke semua arah. Tiada ketentuan. Aku terlalu takut untuk menghentikan jarum itu kerana nasib aku terletak padanya. Akhirnya aku menutup kompas itu. Oleh kerana ketentuan itu belum tiada, aku memutuskan untuk ingin melihat sejauh mana nasib nyawa ini.

Dengan tidak meletakkan pertaruhan tinggi, aku menyimpan harapan kecil dalam hati dua separa bulat tepat ini. Aku bukannya seorang pejudi yang baik. Sering sahaja aku melihat not-not seringgit aku berterbangan dengan kepaknya. hampeh betul. Tapi dalam banyak waktu, aku mengintai harapan aku itu, girang sebentar rasanya sebelum kembali ke realiti. Bumi bulat ini tidak pernah sunyi daripada kejutan namun ia sentiasa kembali kepada kenangan dan harapan yang membuat aku rasa manusia kembali.

the rainbow connection

by kermit the frog


Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

back here

the situation is always the same,
finding myself in a place where i can't speak,
complete numbness,
i let my fingers to take a walk,
while my ears are busy capturing complicated noises,
my eyes are easily distracted by colors,
they say colors brings life,
well i do see the colors in them,
i just don't know what color i am,
should it be what is supposed to be,
or there's no trully an answer for it,
Am i predictable for this?
in tiredness i open my eyes
just to show you i'm still breathing

bubbles

In the times when i can't find words to write, i just draw. I could say that this is a mental image of what I am thinking. It's not what I'm living, it's just one of my wishful thinking in colors that are provided by microsoft paint.