catatan sebentar

MUNGKIN aku dapat berbicara jika tiada lain yang melihatnya. Besar kemungkinan ia menghala kebosanan, biarpun ia sesuatu yang aku cuba hindarkan. Kesimpulannya, tiada lagi helaian yang dapat diselak kerana halamannya kosong demi kosong.

Palitkan warna, biar ceria, aku akan ketawa sebagaimana yang lain ketawa. Namun, adakah ia sama? ataupun cerita ini akan berulang demi berulang, beza perkataan yang bertukar. Jelas sekali, pengertiannya menjadi lebih rumit. Persepsi itu tidak dapat berdiri lagi dengan sendiri, sebaliknya ukuran itu menjadi lebih tinggi demi tinggi.

Kesaksian ini adalah keceramukan sempit dalam kedinginan. Mirip lembah yang sepi, kontang terlanjang kepada angin yang menggigit. Tiada tumbuhan yang mungkin berani menjengah, kerana mereka takut. Lapangan itu terlalu luas buat keberangkalian yang bukan biasa diduga. Ia tehampar begitu sahaja, lembut dicakar sunyi.

Kisah yang disebutkan tidak patutnya mengenai serah diri. Andai dinding itu dapat dipecahkan abstraknya, mungkin ia dapat menjadi normal, sama seperti lain. Kekalutan ini pun adalah disebabkan diri ini, yang tidak tahu namun ingin tahu. Ia bukan kompleks. Masa yang sama, Ia juga bukan ringkas. Ia cuma ingin berteman.

take the cigarette but not the coffee

Is there space for me? somewhere in that sofa, sitting beside can actually make comfy, trust me, when we try to think too much, it just doesn't make sense, let just sit, let us sit here all day long, is it okay? it's not... alright, tell me and i'm listening,... ehm... aha.. yes... ehem... wait a minute, you do have the most beautiful eye... and those hair, your surely know your style.. do you feel cold? it's kinda strange, me and you, and it is still freezing, hold on, let me get you a coffee, yes, i do think the place have that beans from brazil,... and here you are and where were we just now.. oh yes, about them, i'm thinking about getting some guns and shot them dead in the head, maybe i can can get some gangsta rappers helping me clear those bodies, than i'm gonna shoot myself... i'm serious, nahhh, i couldn't pull the trigger. I don't know dear, in talking about them, sometimes people ain't what it should seems, take me for example, do you know that there's a song that kept on repeating 'tomorrow always come when it's too late', it's bugging me like hell, but i do kinda feel relieved about the chorus 'tomorrow is another day'. I'm sorry, it's like we are talking more about me than you, but the thing is, it does about us, i want to see your smile like sun shines, take you for a walk, and talk, lot's of talk before we go to do some handycraft, maybe later on, we can do some traveling, i don't want to get you bored with the book i'm reading. Deep down inside dear, i felt lost, i'm trap, and i'm afraid of tomorow without you, it's hard because i don't know to whom i want to buy chocolate and flowers, even worst, i can't look beneath subject if i didn't converse with you, i'm really a wood without your compassion guiding my hand and i kept on hitting ground because i can't feel true joy without you. The past hits really hard for both us, but if you want to know what's in my heart, it's always you, and it always do... are you yawning?... don't tell me you are getting sleepy on this, okay, okay, i'm listening.. aha... ehem.. yes.... erm... you do have the most lovely lips...

moon river

*composed by Henry Mancini, lyrics by Johnny Mercer and performed by Audrey Hepburn

hingga tiba waktunya

Penyanyi tua itu mengalirkan air mata, melihatkan rakannya mengalunkan suara. Denting piano yang berbisik, meruntunkan lagi sebaknya. Ia adalah cerita sama bagi mereka yang di pengakhiran waktu. Ingatan bagi mereka yang tersayang, kisah-kisah pengembaraan usia muda, kehidupan yang tidak tahu kesudahannya. Penyanyi itu sebak, jiwanya tersentuh, perjalanan pasti mempunyai nokhtah terakhir. Dia menelan kepahitannya dan sedikit dia berasa sejuk, kerana kasih antara mereka, adalah antara terbaik dia miliki.

marah!!!

Masih ingat tak waktu isi minyak cuma Rm5 jerr... tak perlu isi banyak2, kerana sudah cukup berjalan bersiar merata-rata, namun, namun, dengan harga minyak naik lagi ini, aku jadi tekanan, aku marah kerana masalah yang timbul tidak membawa penyelesaian.

Kesannya bukan sehari dua, ia berlanjutan terus, harga yang naik takkan turun, bodoh betul siapa yang tadbir negara sekarang ni, diaorang tak boleh fikir ker, tekanan yang menghimpit ini semua rasa, ingat pengemis kat tepi jalan tak terlepas ker, diaorang pun rasa gak.

Aku rasa kecil hati sangat melihat stesen minyak depan rumah aku ni sesak. Orang ramai semua panik. Mereka beratur ni, entah-entah, lepas dua jam baru dapat isi minyak. Ikut hati aku nak memekik marah. Aturan tidak patut kelam-kabut seperti ini. Masyarakat tidak wajar menjadi mangsa keadaan. Mereka yang di atas patut tahu keadaan kita di bawah ini.

Dalam keadaan gampang macam ini, aku tak sanggup lagi individualistik. Apa ingat semua kita ini bisu dan buta. kalau mereka di atas itu tak boleh berfikir, carilah orang yang boleh berfikir. Selesaikan masalah ini atau kamu diselesaikan.

balik awal

Rutin harian menyaksikan aku akan tiba di rumah pada pukul 10 malam hampir setiap hari. Aku akan membuang masa tiga hingga empat jam sebelum lelap, untuk bangun melihat matahari di atas kepala.

Bukannya aku rajin sangat tapi sudah kerja seperti itu. Pulaknya jalan jam teruk dan memang makan asap, sekalipun gerak awal dari pejabat.

Begitupun, kengkadang, aku teringin untuk kehidupan balik awal. Menarik bukan, kalau dapat tiba di rumah pada waktu petang, dapat beriadah di padang, tak pun berkebun sket. huhuhu (jangan gelak)

Paling menarik sekali adalah menikmati teh panas sambil makan cekodok. Lepak depan tv tengok otoberita, waktu maghrib bergegas ke surau. Malam pulak lepak berbual sebelum lelap sambil menonton apa jua tayangan larut malam.

Sebenarnya, banyak perkara yang aku angankan tapi entahlah, nasib tidak dapat dijanjikan. Kisah ini memang bunyinya sedih namun, aku tetap rindu.

june is good, june is nice (hopefully)

Monyet pukul cymbal dalam otak. Gambaran menarik untuk kekosongan fikiran. Ceritanya adalah selepas kekenyangan makan nasi dengan lauk udang masak lemak cili api, ikan kering, sambal belacan, sayur kacang panjang dan cendawan disamping buah jambu air. Pulak tu, makan kat rumah, lagilarrr layan sebab makan bertambah, sampai nafsu pun mengalah.

Pagi tu, mengembara dekat pasar borong, mencari bahan. Disebabkan jam sudah pun tiga petang masa tu, apa pun tarak dapat, yang ada (lihat) cuma kucing-kucing gemuk berbaring kekenyangan. Bertuah betul mereka, malang buat kitaorang (aku dan member aku) yang tak reti bangun pagi. Akhirnya terpaksa membeli barang kat carrefour, tapi selepas itu, ada perkara yang terlepas pandang, terpaksa gak singgah kedai runcit kat rumah. Macam tv pendidikan lak rasanya, pegi menyaksikan rantaian perniagaan barang makanan ni.

Malam plak, tengok citer tahun 80'an 'Tuan Besar'. Ia membariskan Wahid Satay bersama pelakon-pelakon kenit (midget) dan tak lupa, the ever-no-nonsense, Mak Enon. Nak kata citer tu kelakar, takde lar sangat, tapi ada nostalgik feeling. Walaupun belum sempat hidup era tu, peninggalannya masih ada. Contohnya, cikgu-cikgu sekolah aku hampir semua pakai seluar kaki besar. Dalam citer juga ada tunjuk Mimaland, yang aku tak pernah pergi. Owh zaman tu juga zaman kegemilangan Benson & Hedges. Soundtrack citer tu rasanya, Ahmad Daud yang buat dan memang cool jazzy gilerrr, siap ada lagu reggae gak.

Rasanya, macam dah terangkum lak, kisah sehari cuti off aku ni. Tiada menarik, tiada membosankan gak. Sekurang-kurangnya tidak terkurung cam hari cuti lain. Kalau tiada benda nak buat sangat, mungkin aku melepak kat stall burger abang wahab. Begitupun, stok dvd pun banyak lagi, tapi aku terasa takut gak nak tengok, sebab banyak citer berat, nanti dah layan, tak boleh nak tidur pulak, kepala asyik berfikir jerrr. kejadian demi kemungkinan.

Aku ada terbaca satu tulisan, ia mengatakan tentang tiga peringkat dalam kehidupan; pertamanya, fasa memberontak, keduanya, fasa berkecuali tidak mahu terlibat ngan apa-apa dan terakhir sekali, fasa konservatif yang berat pada puak kanan. Itu cuma satu bentuk hipotesis, tapi aku nampak ia berkait sangat ngan usia kita yang berterusan tambah. Arghhhhh, malas nak fikir, selamat tidur.

dengar dan rasa

''At 10 I shaved my head and tried to be a monk
I thought the older women would like me if i did,''

river cuomo, across the sea

aku melakukannya tapi bukan sebarang percubaan untuk menjadi pendeta. aku melakukannya kerana tiada apa untuk difikirkan. percubaan untuk pembaharuan, mengisi ruang yang terbentang. begitupun, pokok-pokok di rumah masih lagi layu. mungkin kerana aku kurang berbual dengan mereka. ada apa-apa cadangan lain?


''Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?''

pink floyd, wish you were here

Sesekali aku tertawa disamping hiba menonton filem-filem lama. Aku tertarik dengan pendekatan Gregory Peck yang bersahaja namun mendalam. Pada waktu tertentu, aku seperti jatuh cinta dengan Audrey Hepburn yang menjemput kegembiraan, biarpun dia tahu erti sebaliknya. Paling aku tekanan sekali adalah Hitchcock yang buat Vertigo, putaran logik yang dia mainkan membuat aku tergamam. Layar perak sering merangkumkan keindahan waktu dan ia turut merakamkan kejutan. hidup begitu juga, cuma ia tak berlaku dalam durasi 120 minit.


''I read the news today oh, boy
Four thousand holes in blackburn, lancashire''

John Lennon and Paul McCartney, a day in the life

Keberangkalian utama mengapa aku jarang sangat menghubungi kampung halaman adalah kerana aku tiada banyak berita gembira. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana untuk menjawab soalan-soalan yang sama dan kebanyakan waktu, aku mengalihkan topik. Bagaimanapun, penampan itu tidak dapat bertahan lama kerana lambat laun, aku perlu juga menghadapi kenyataan. Betul sebagaimana dikatakan, realiti itu mengigit.

Lover, You Should've Come Over

by Jeff Buckley

Looking out the door

i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners

Parading in a wake of sad relations

as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When i'm broken down and hungry

for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,

when he feels like he should be having his fun

And much too blind to see the damage he's done

Sometimes a man must awake to find that really,

he has no-one

So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn

Will I ever see your sweet return

Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made,

the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner

is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns

and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss

upon her shoulder

It's never over, all my riches for her smiles

when i slept so soft against her

It's never over, all my blood

for the sweetness of her laughter

It's never over, she's the tear

that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young

To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over

'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on

And i'm much too old to break free and run

Too deaf, dumb,

and blind to see the damage i've done

Sweet lover, you should've come over

Oh, love well i'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over

'Cause it's not too late

'angel at my table'

by The Frames


There's an angel at my table
And she broke her wings
She's packed her things
She said I'm the only one she'll turn to

But there's a devil on my shoulder
And he's telling me she's so beautiful
That I should go up there and hold up
She's looking on

How can I stay here
It wouldn't be what she wants
And I'm trying to break it easy
But she's pleading with me

Will you be my anchor
When there is no-one around to hold me down
Will you be my anchor
I know you're not the answer

There's an angel at my table
And she's blessed the breeze
That blows in between her and everything
She's left in that (heaven)
And I wish she'd call'
Cause that devil's on my shoulder
And he's pulling me down
And I'm trying to keep a balance
But she's begging me

Will you be my anchor
When there is no-one around to hold me down
Will you be my anchor
I know you're not the answer

There's an angel at my table
She said I'm the only one she'll turn to

*someday, who knows, i might go to ireland and find myself lost in english language

the mechanic

I know the mechanic for more than two years. The workshop is hidden from the street and it has a nice view of the city from it. It's not a very grand but it just feel nice.

Patiently, I waited for almost three hours. I like to observe the work. As master of none, I always admired people that have skill to fix things. The rules is in their hand. They know how to use tools and they certainly know what are they doing.

Out of perspective, I think we can't escape problems. It keep on coming. But then, there's always problem-solving. and if that doesn't work, there's always an idiot-guide-on-how-to. This thing call maintainance is so vital but yet I kept on losing track. I should take all those advise seriously and kept it tidy.

Back on the workshop story. It so happens that my car problem is not solved yet. The spare part doesn't work and new problem just kept on emerging. I'm hoping for a miracle but it didn't happen. The job had to be postponed because is already too late and i got to wait another time.

When i'm about to think, that life is something that can be certain, it's really not, there's another part called luck. But yet, we'll keep on learning, trying, rethinking and somehow, keep on working, just to make it happen. Life is beautiful and I'll keep on wishing.

joyeux anniversaire cher

garis dari titik bahagian akhir

penantian itu mendebarkan, berdiri di hadapan pintu berkenaan, seringkali terlebih awal, selebihnya terlalu lewat, namun kali ini, mungkin masa berhenti seketika, loceng itu pun disentuh, berbunyi ia bergema, helai pintu itu terbuka kecil, debar ini menjadi bertambah kocak dengan sepasang mata muncul merenung, mataku mengerdipkan khabar, dia melihatnya sahaja dan menutup kembali pintu, resah, aku membelakangi, mengeluarkan sebatang rokok, debar ini perlu sembunyi di sebalik kabus, namun tidak sempat pemetik dinyalakan, pintu itu berbunyi lagi, pantas puntung dicampakkan jauh dan aku berpaling, sungguh, hadir di hadapan adalah gadis yang paling indah, paling cantik, dia melangkah kepadaku, degup jantung ini makin laju dengan dia makin hampir, begitupun harumnya begitu menenangkan dan aku tenggelam dalam cahaya matanya, perkataan tidak dapat tertera, kerana rasanya amat manis, aku menghadiahkannya sekuntum mawar berwarna jambu, comel sekali senyumannya, tabir lif itu sekian lama menanti, perlahan ia berlabuh, namun dari sudut kecil yang kian menutup, tampak tangan dua insan, saling menggenggam erat.

garis dari titik II

tergelincir, lantai ini licin sangat rasanya, ataupun patut pasang lampu yang lebih besar, biar terang, nampak semuanya, termasuk paku-paku yang menganga, tapi nampak tidak juga lihat, terpaksa berpaut pada tiang, genggam erat, kemungkinan itu keberangkalian, jujur atau palsu, tanah akhirnya terbongkang, langit runtuh salju, dingin, kecil aku kecut, terlucut dan terjatuh, untuk melihat ia masih berdiri, jauh lebih tinggi

garis dari titik

Berdiri tegak, sejambak mawar tersergam di tangan, secawan kopi hitam panas, kelaknya dihirup perlahan-lahan, namun pandangan langsung tidak terlepas, menjengket sedikit melihat rupa bawah, nun tinggi dari pencakar langit, dan jatuh baring di atas rumput, membuka langit lepas, perkara rumit, mudahkannya, kusut lenyap, angan terbang, selam sebentar kembali bernafas, lampu limpah kini terbentang, lengkap itu tunggu, lekas hanya jantung berdegup, tari tidak mati, biar halimunan melingkari, bawah redup ini, teduh buat bersama

an afternoon at al-masyhur

I was looking at the mamak guy while his preparing a meal for someone. His hand were quick with knive and he organized all the spices and the ingredients in designated spot. I know that his cooking are not that delicious but surely it can be eaten. While my eyes are busy capturing images in high speed, my mind went slow with miserable thoughts. Mostly, it involves with low self esteem and a feeling of lost about the future. I can handle the first part, however the second one is quite tricky. My bosses were mentioning my name quite often recently, it's not that i didn't feel appreciated but I know the main reason is that they want to transfer me somewhere else. I'm okay with it but to start back from zero, is very exhausting. I know it's a phase that everybody must encounter, the question is just the matter of time. Oh yeah, time, something that I'm really terible at. Sometimes I do envy at people that can settle down. They have taken their time and make the decision. But for me, I didn't have that option. Even if I had it..., no I don't have it. And so this nomad just keep on the journey to nowhere, meeting people that he can't call friends and fell asleep after tired reading a book that he doesn't know what the title is. People keep on saying the first step is the longest one. If only I can do summersault, I can be cool without going anywhere. Sweet Dreams and Let see what the future brings.

'bangun'

Another working sunday, I think, after working in this line for several years, I've lost my sense of weekend. Much worse than that, I also can't tell the differences between day and night. It's quite phatetic actually, when your biology clock fails. Up until now, I still remember the 'one' word that my friend text message to me... 'bangun'. Just that one word, and i feel miserable for the whole day. I guess they realized that there's no more use of my bragging my bad habit of waking late. shucks...

There's no acurate reason that I can explain. At first, I tried to blame the weather. Well, it just didn't feel right. Later on, I said, it is because of the nightmares that I had. Then again, it's too childish. By this time being, I just kept silent about it. I know it's my fault because it's all over my shoulder. There's nothing else to blame but myself. And if there's changes, it got to come from inside me.

Maybe, well just maybe, the reason why I'm always trap in this situation is because I want to remain static. Every new phases brings new puzzles. And I'm really suck as a beginner. God knows how many times I've fallen in my steps. Every new chapter, I kept on learning from my mistakes. and I'm tired of being laughed. Sometimes I just want to grab a gun and shoot all the clowns. However, as I learn that i can't cheat, I learn to accept it.... just one of those days out of millions that come from it.

In abstract way, I always hope that everything goes well. I've grown to become a pessimistic but it didn't stop me from having faith. Maybe we just unlucky when stumble into hard situation. Ain't we all. Lately, i'm getting used talking about it to the moon and the stars, I look at the cloud and i pictured it as a painting hanging in the sky, and my favourite moment is the magical sunset. I take it all as a glimpse of happiness, just to get through time that kept on chasing from behind.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams...

*Ps: try to listen Jack Johnson "What You Thought You Need'', I guess you know how it feels.

dia (malam buatku)

One night, a friend of mine came to my room, he took the guitar and he has 'that' look to my face. He tells me that he have a song for so long but up until now, he didn't have the lyric for it. I ask him, what is the songs about? He said he want a song for all the girls he ever loved. All the girlsss... hmmm.. he must be a lucky guy, but then, the word 'loved', that's surely hurts a lot. Technically, i don't believe that it is something that just live in the past, i believe that we all carry it forever, and so I took a pen, a piece of paper and start some writing...

Di balik awan, di balik malam, aku berdoa untukmu,
Datang mentari, dan bawaku pergi, namun engkau tetapku nanti,

Ku ambil cawan itu dan ku teguk airnya,
Namun dahaganya tak hilang,
Ku palingkan cermin kerna tiada bayang,
Jasad ini bukan lagi insan,

Aku hanya ingin menjemputmu,
Menemani dalam langkahmu,

Di balik awan, di balik malam, aku berdoa untukmu,
Datang mentari, dan bawaku pergi, namun engkau tetapku nanti,

Ku baringkan tubuh di pohon yang rendang,
Namun teriknya tetap mengigit,
Tubuh ini singgah melihat jendela,
waktu silam yang tak pernah ada,

Aku hanya ingin menjemputmu,
Menemani dalam langkahmu,

Di balik awan, di balik malam, aku berdoa untukmu,
Datang mentari, dan bawaku pergi, namun engkau tetapku nanti,

... and so, I ask my friend, is this what he had pictured in his mind, he tells me, it's perfect. and then, another one of my friend (who sings the songs) came and tell that this song is about a dead person. Later on, we recorded the song to contribute to his demo. Time flies and my friend tells me, his mother was caught singing that song while cooking, and another friend of mine, tells me, his brother was singing it in the shower. I take it as a good sign, it tells that, maybe i can write.


good night and sweet dream

pegun atau pecut

It has been raining and I'm facing writer's block. It seems I don't know how to start. I got no story to share (unless you want to hear lame joke) I got no thoughts to be analyzed. I got no view to put in perspective. It's like, here I am, lying in this page, naked, without any sense of living.

But i do listens and my eye caught some events that are happening around. It's kinda sparkle a bit before I went back to my lair and continue my research and my hibernation. Things, places, people, they all change and I face that fact already. I only need to remind myself everytime I stumble into it, again, and again.

We all have our game to play. Each person are different and so is their game. We play as we seek the answer. Some, like me, never really know about what is going on. Where as, some others, follow their heart and play it deep from inside. The game is about honesty. Although, sometimes it hurts, you just can't deny it. In the end, it does really matters, as you play along.

My trip back at hometown is like taking a pause for a moment. I take my time selfishly by doing nothing. Maybe it's because I'm scared about all the changes, i hide myself. But I think, it's about time, i went outside and see all the wonders that makes this place, my sweet home town.

hug and kisses, sweet dream, take care and good night.

soul-tory-telling

I always take the time i spent in my car as a moment of escapism. As I watch the road, the cars, the people, the places, the sky, I open my mind to countless imagination. There's no substance, it's just I let my mind free to wander around.

Sometimes I create an imaginary person at the passenger seat and pretend to have a conversation. I talk about my dream, my problem and my situation. You can call me crazy but it's the only therapy that I got. Looking to the surrounding of where I am, it's kind hard to talk about what I really am.

With my friends, i can tell them some stories, but never the whole story, like what Bill Cosby had written in his book, trust nobody and smile. Slowly, I learn to appreciate all the small things I watch through my small life. I kept my dreams in my pocket and walk through the days with wishful thinking.

Nevertheless, how I try to change things around (including having plants in my room), I'm still someone who is anti-climax and spoil things arounds. I think the conflict arise because I'm empty inside, but at the same time, I don't want to be ordinary. and the later problem happen, where I feel embarassed because I'm someone who is shy when all the eyes are watching me.

At this moment of time, i think i should be a tree instead. I can let the wind breezes all around me. The birds can always fly around and I can be friends with them. By standing on ground, I can never miss any sunrise or sunset. Time changes, but there I stood still.